MONDAY, MARCH 10 OMG! Stop the presses! This is the best news we’ve
received since we were allowed to participate in the Saks 50 percent
off “Employees Only” sale. George Dreamboat Clooney is NOT happily
engaged! As you undoubtedly recall from last week, it was reported
that George was all set to marry some haggish tranny whose name
currently escapes our recollection. Happily for everyone—except a
certain whorish witch we could mention—George has announced that
“these reports are not true,” and further, he has no
intention of getting married to anyone, ever. Wait… suddenly,
this isn’t such great news anymore. MEANWHILE… In other
Clooney news, George has also finally responded to allegations that
romance cover model Fabio threatened to whip his ass. As
previously reported in One Day, after an allegedly inebriated George
asked a photog in Fabio’s dining party to stop taking pictures, the
blond meatbag leapt to his feet, and offered to pummel the handsome
movie star, leading Clooney to beat a hasty retreat. George
recalled to Esquire magazine, “He’s a big guy. There’s a moment
when you are actually in the argument, and you’re thinking, ‘If I do
get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain.
I wouldn’t shake that.'” Oh… HA! HA, HA, HA, HA! Ohhh, George! We
love you so much! AND WE FUCKING DESPISE YOU,
Fabio. MEANWHILE… Just to further prove how awesome George is,
he just gave $500,000 to assist the starving in Darfur.
To put that in perspective, Grey’s Anatomy‘s Patrick “Dr.
McDreamy” Dempsey only donated $250,000 to cancer treatment. It may
be obvious to say this, but… Patrick? You sir, are no Clooney.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11 OH! And speaking of dreamboats, have you
seen this month’s embarrassingly fawning Rolling Stone cover shot of Barack Obama? Receiving the dubious
Rolling Stone editorial endorsement for the Democratic
nomination, the accompanying article is entitled “A New Hope” and Barack is pictured majestically staring off into the distance, with
a halo of light (the light of pure and unadulterated
righteousness perhaps?) ensconcing his entire body. Now, as you already
know, we love Barack Obama more than life itself—but
c’mon. Even former Governor Eliot Spitzer would call that
cover a really expensive blowjob (see Wednesday, March 12 for more).
Besides, we have to be honest, if push came to shove? We’d kick Barack
Obama off a cliff, if George Clooney were in the race! C’MON! He
gave $500,000 to Darfur!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 Who knew prostitutes had gotten so
expensive? Today New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after being caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a
high-priced prostitute. In a press conference today, Spitzer
apologized for his “private failings” with his absolutely FUMING
wife by his side. (Note to Hubby Kip: If you EVER get caught
cheating on me? I’ll stand by your side, too. It’s easier to
castrate you that way.) Citing unnamedsources, NYC tabs estimate
that Spitzer spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes—which
includes the very Julia Roberts-ish “Kristen,” who was paid
$4,300 on one visit. Now, in Mr. Spitzer’s defense, this
“Kristen” person is absolutely the most adorable whore we’ve ever
seen—and if we had $4,300 and were still a student at Brown
(where we did the brunt of our homosexual experimentations)? We’d fuck
her, too. (Calm down, Kip.) MEANWHILE… Let’s check in on
our old pal Girls Gone Wild founder and former king of all
douchebags, Joe Francis. As you undoubtedly remember, Joe has
been ass-up in prison for the last 11 months on a tax-evasion
rap—but he was also charged with coercing two underage
girls to bare their breasts for his series of icky DVDs. Today he
pled “no contest” to the charge, though he still annoyingly proclaims
his innocence. “The only reason I pleaded no contest was to get out
of jail,” whined the former soft-porn king, who still insists he’s
“100 percent innocent.” Potentially wrecking young girls’ lives in exchange for a hat or T-shirt isn’t innocent, Joe. However, we are
looking forward to your “Prisoners Go Wild on Joe Francis’ Bottom” DVD.
(P.S. Afterward, did they give you a T-shirt?)

THURSDAY, MARCH 13 Two good pieces of news regarding
Britney Spears: (1) She’s been given a guest spot on the CBS
sitcom How I Met Your Mother—which in and of
itself, doesn’t sound like very good news at all. However, one must
admit that seeing Britney on a crappy CBS show trumps seeing her
laughing maniacally while strapped to a gurney. (2) Britney’s hillbilly
pop Jamie Spears—who currently has complete control over
Brit’s business decisions—made a doozy of a decision this week,
temporarily banning B’s douchebag boyfriend, Adnan
Ghalib, from the mansion! YES!!! Once again, this may
not be good news for Britney, but it’s FANTASTIC news for the rest of
us who don’t want that soul-patched dirtbag’s sperm anywhere near
Brit’s flappy veej. (And we’ll stop using those disgusting terms as
soon as Papa Spears agrees to ban Ghalib for LIFE.)

FRIDAY, MARCH 14 “It’s the best birthday party ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever—and I mean EVER!” Tom Cruise giddily
proclaims in a top-secret video obtained this week by Gawker.com. The video documents Tom’s 42nd(!)
birthday party, which was held in 2004 onboard Freewinds,
the cruise ship owned by (surprise!) the Cult Church of Scientology.
The vid shows Cruise entering a party to the strains of a live band
playing songs from Top Gun and Mission: Impossible.
Cruise—clearly enjoying himself among throngs of fans/fellow
brainwashees—laughs maniacally, claps his hands like a
hyperactive two-year-old, and eventually jumps onstage and
starts singing “Old Time Rock and Roll” and showing off some Risky
Business dance moves. The Church of Scientology reportedly dropped
six figures on the birthday bash—and while Cruise was obvs
delighted, at least one high-ranking Scientology official wasn’t
pleased when he saw the video. “Oh, so THIS is the party everyone won’t
stop talking about,” an obviously hurt Emperor Klaktu of Rigel
VII mumbled. “Hmph. I guess my holo-invitation must have been lost
in the trans-galactic mail.”

SATURDAY, MARCH 15 As we mentioned last week, Patrick
Swayze has cancer, and reportedly only has weeks to live. But
yesterday, the Daily Mail snagged a photo of Swayze puffing away
on a cigarette, despite being on death’s doorstep! That’s right,
Swayze! Puff away! In your face, Death!

SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Brace yourself, dear readers: Not one but
three bits of depressing news today. First! Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan wrote in the Financial Times that
America’s current “financial crisis” will be “the most wrenching since
the end of the second world war.” DEPRESSING! Second! We’re
coming up on a record number in Iraq—very soon, we’ll hit
4,000 US casualties. DEPRESSING! Third! Well, at least
those 4,000 deaths have been for something, right? Think again: Iraqi
al-Qaeda agents, which “did not exist as a coherent group before
US troops invaded,” are now “deadly active and likely to remain far
into the future,” the Associate Press reported. DEPRESSING!
MEANWHILE… We hate going out on a down note, so let’s close
out the week with a bit of inspiration: Follow Swayze’s example.
Sure, everything might be going to hell in a hand basket—but do
like Swayze does, and smoke ’em if you got ’em.