Oh, suuuurrrre. Everybody loves to talk about how neato awesome Portland is. And I will happily agree… as long as you can point me to the nearest local water slide. OH, THAT’S RIGHT… METRO PORTLAND DOESN’T HAVE ANY WATER SLIDES. (Hey Sam Adams! The green boxes are nice. Where the EFF is my effing WATER SLIDE?!?)

Anyhoo, here is the most incredible water slide in the world, and SURPRISE! It’s not in Portland. This AquaLOOP Water Slide is located in Germany—probably because they have no human rights laws. BUT CHECK IT OUT!! You step onto a trap door, get dropped into a near vertical free-fall before shooting through a loop and then crapped out of the end. Watch for yourself, and tell me this isn’t the Auschwitz of all water slides!

Tip o’ the hat to Random Good Stuff!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=0TGmBrYpZag%26hl%3Den

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

15 replies on “The Auschwitz of Water Slides”

  1. Does anyone remember the Hydrotube franchises which were all over Portland in the ’80s? I remember one at Eastport Plaza and in or near Washington Square, and there was a more intense knock-off of Hydrotube at Holly Farm Mall in Oak Grove (what was it called? Aqua-something?)

    I was a kid at the time, but I remember rumors about the sudden departure of these franchises being supposedly related to a high accident rate leading to rapidly escalating insurance costs.

    I remember in the early days of the tubes you could slide head-first, but later they restricted people to feet first (you could attempt to reorient yourself mid-tube, and then again before reaching the exit so you wouldn’t get scolded), and the Holly Farm Mall operation had people wear helmets at some point.

    It was also not uncommon to collide mid-tube with a newbie who was intentionally slowing their own descent by sitting up.

    Some years later I was at a water park in Florida which featured a much taller, more intense slide similar to Hydrotube, but it was shrouded in complete darkness so you couldn’t tell which way it would turn… they must have better insurance rates for water parks down there. 🙂

    Ahh, memories.

    Apparently some Hydrotubes are still around today but in municipal control, just as Boise, ID and St. George, UT:
    http://www.cityofboise.org/Departments/Parks/CaringForParks/ParkServices/page5973.aspx
    http://sgcity.org/recreation/swimming/

  5. Dont forget the Hydrotubes that used to be out at Janzen beach. So ya we had em… we just got over em before you got here. Bummer.

  6. Stephen- you ever been to an
    extreme water park? That ride
    is fairly common, they just
    tore one down like it in
    Vegas, not recommended..

    haha.

  7. Humphrey, a real tasteless title. Completely insensitive to people who actually had family starved, beaten and then thrown into an oven and cooked to death in Auschwitz.

    Because yeah, this water slide is exactly like that…

    Show some intelligence and not ignorance.

  8. The locations of a few water slides around town:

    – North Clackamas Aquatic Park

    – The Southwest Community Center

    – At least two area high schools. Wilson has one that’s 140 feet long.

    This post is the Dachau of inaccurate, water slide-related blog posts.

  9. I come on here to mention Action Park’s incredibly stupid fully-looping waterslide… and someone’s already fucking mentioned it???

    Get the fuck out of here.

  10. No, Humphrey has a point, because–and this is a little known fact–Auschwitz was often referred to as the “water park of concentration camps.”

  12. It may not be Vegas-ginormous in size, but the Mt. Scott Community Center’s pool at 72nd & SE Harold has a pretty sweet water slide, considering it’s a public pool. It’s big and yellow, even!

  14. Now way I would ever subject myself to that. Can you imagine how many people shit their trunks 2 seconds after the floor opens up on them? Totally gross. Like falling down a giant toilet drainpipe (with a loop).

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