Look. I pay GOOD MONEY to watch TV. The last time I checked,
my satellite provider milks me for around 70 bones per month—and
yet, what do I get? Deal or No Deal. Repeats of Wife Swap and Grey’s Anatomy. The only thing stopping me from shutting off
my TV entirely and devoting my life to internet porn is American
Gladiators—which is not entirely dissimilar from internet
porn, is it?
Anyway, here’s the problem with TV this summer: ORDINARY PEOPLE.
They’re screwing everything up! You know who I’m talking about, right?
The receptionist at the insurance company? The guy who works the
forklift at the ballpoint pen factory? The 45-year-old accountant at
the St. Louis headquarters of Dunkin’ Donuts? THESE ARE THE A-HOLES WHO
ARE RUINING MY LIFE. And here’s why: Ordinary people are so freaking
bored with crunching numbers for Dunkin’ Donuts, they’ll do
anything to relieve the ridiculous mundanity of their ho-hum
existence… even appearing on humiliating reality competitions for
ZERO PAY!
Seriously, what is wrong with you people?! The networks are USING
YOU, knowing full well that they can produce an entire series for less
than 87 cents, simply because you have no problem with going on
national TV dressed like a bug and throwing yourself at a car’s
windshield.
Let me put it another way: Would you like to see Jennifer Garner in
her underpants? Sure, who wouldn’t? But here’s the thing… Jennifer
Garner in her underpants COSTS MONEY—money the networks would
gladly pay if it weren’t for you jackass Dunkin’ Donuts accountants who
are working for free! Meanwhile, poor Jennifer Garner is wearing an
ill-fitting tracksuit and digging around in a garbage can for
half-eaten hotdogs because YOU are taking the jobs that should be going
to HER!
This Hollywood outsourcing has got to stop! And yet? There are TWO
new shows debuting this week, both featuring “ordinary people” doing
supposedly
“extraordinary things.”
• DANCE MACHINE (ABC, Friday, June 27, 8 pm).
From the ABC press release: “Each episode features six real people from
all walks of life who will face off against each other in a series of
one-on-one dance offs. Imagine a 70-year-old grandmother in a dance off
with a 25-year-old gravedigger, to the tune of Michael Jackson’s
‘Thriller.'” Actually, I’d rather imagine Jennifer Garner dancing her
underpants off!
• THE SINGING OFFICE (TLC, Sunday, June 29, 9
pm). Joey “The Fat One” Fatone and Mel B. (Scary Spice) travel to
ordinary workplaces and choose ordinary employees to compete against
other ordinary offices in a song and dance contest. Mmmmm… I DON’T
THINK SO. I’m pretty sure I can see a lonely 49-year-old menopausal
accounts receivable clerk murdering “Hotel California” at the karaoke
bar down the street. Besides… she’s not Jennifer Garner… AND SHE’S
NOT IN HER UNDERWEAR!
So if you happen to be an “ordinary person”—CUT IT THE EFF
OUT! Either start charging these network honchos $100,000 to appear on
their humiliation fests, or go back to changing my oil at the Jiffy
Lube. (And NO, unless you’re Jennifer Garner in her underpants, I don’t
want you to check my radiator fluid!)
