• The Supreme Court rules that it’s a-OK for people to own guns for self-defense in their homes. Lucky for me, my home’s in the woods, and that ten-point buck is accused of breaking and entering! YEEEEE-HAW! Pew! Pew-pew-PEW!

• Republican Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal signed legislation allowing judges to order sex offenders to undergo chemical castration. Yeeee-haw?

• The Bush Administration has lifted sanctions from North Korea. So… this former member of the “axis of evil” ain’t so evil after all.

• California unveils a massive plan to promote “clean cars, renewable energy and stringent caps on big polluting industries.” Plus, as we already know, married gay couples produce less harmful fumes.

• Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon has been suspended after allegedly grabbing G.M. Ed Wade by the neck and throwing him to the ground. Well… his head does kind of look like a baseball.

• The non-award winning Mercury Sports Desk provides live-blog coverage of today’s NBA draft. Look for the Blazers to trade Greg Oden for the ghost of Sam Bowie. What’s that? Bowie’s not dead? Well, he is to me.

• Wow. These people really, REALLY love faggots. (The following quote should inspire you to actually read this article: “The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.”)

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

4 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  2. A faggot.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mr-Brains-Faggots-Pack.jpg

    You eat them with peas. People eat them in Wales, which proves they must be weird. From wikipedia: “A faggot is traditionally made from pig heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs. The mixture is shaped in the hand into balls, wrapped round with caul (a membrane from the pig’s abdomen), and baked. A similar dish, almôndega, is traditional in Portugal.”

    They are, actually, delicious. But don’t tell the Welsh.

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