Hey! It’s Marky Mark! And he’s playing ultra-violent videogame star Max Payne! And there’s that hot chick from That ’70s Show! And… and… screamy emo music. And… dragons? But hey! Lots of slow motion bullets and sweeeeeet, sweeeeet violence. (Oh, how I do love violence… when it’s not happening to me.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)