Geek Out

The economy is falling apart, you spent Valentine’s Day alternately
crying and masturbating, and you just found out that you were adopted.
My life, on the other hand, is all kittens and high fives! Want
to be more like me? Here’s a tip to ease your suffering: Buy Street
Fighter IV. Period. Exclamation mark. (Tilde?)

I swear I tried to temper my excitement for this game by trying to
find some kind of salient flaw in its design—but there’s nothing
there, man! I’ve been sitting here for two hours hoping I’d be able to
recall some minuscule reason you might dislike Capcom’s latest virtual
pugilism foray, and the best I can come up with is “If you’re a rampant
pacifist, you might abhor the violence.” But I know you. That’s not
your thing. You’ve been a fan of Chun-Li’s insane kicks and Ryu’s
Hadoukens since Street Fighter II.

Yeah, maybe the added complexity of Street Fighter III and
the fact that it wasn’t widely available turned you off from the
franchise—but Street Fighter IV ditches all of that
baggage. While it’s got a glossy coat of paint and all the modern
accoutrements (online play and gorgeous 3D graphics, for example), this
game is essentially the perfectly balanced experience you fell for back
in the early ’90s.

So why buy it if it’s the same Street Fighter Capcom’s been
pushing since you were in junior high? Think of it like this: Every man
needs at least one suit in his wardrobe, yeah? For weddings and
funerals and mitzvahs (both bar and bat)? This game is that kind of
staple.

Wait! I thought of a reason not to get it! Okay, let’s
say—hypothetically—you adore the work of Raul Julia. From
Othello to The Addams Family, you followed his work like
John Hinckley watching Taxi Driver. Driven to the brink by his
untimely death in 1994, you blamed the recently released Street
Fighter movie for taking your hero from this world.

Maybe if you’re that dude, you’ll hate it. If you’re anybody else,
you’ll totally dig SFIV.