Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Memphis Grizzlies. Every night Portland is getting just a little bit closer to wrapping up an incredible season (and return trip to the playoffs), while Memphis is also looking forward to the end of the season, but for entirely different reasons. The Grizzzzzz have won a measly 18 games this season (17 of those have been against the Clippers*), are ranked 29th in attendance (out of 28 teams*), and are on the verge of moving to another market (Tashkent, Uzbekistan*) or just folding altogether. But hey, at least they have the pride of East St. Louis High, Darius Miles. Don’t mess with that man on the air hockey tables.
* This is not true.
PRE-GAME:
The Blazers have a habit of coming out flat following a big win, and last Thursday’s commanding thumping of the Phoenix Suns’ Senior Citizen Brigade was B-I-G. Plus the home team might be overlooking tonight’s light competition and focusing on Tuesday’s divisional showdown against the the Jazz. Both of these things are doubtful, but they are the only hope the Grizzlies have. Sorry Memphis, but not even this frightening creature cannot save you tonight.
FIRST QUARTER:
10:22 – The mouth-breathing Marc Gasol creature posts on, and scores over, the Vanilla Gorilla. I haven’t seen two destructive beats battle like that since I lost my last quarter in the Rampage game at the bowling alley. 4-2 Memphis.
6:48 – Evidently this Gasol is the one you want to play against. Przybilla has gone over, and through, the Baby Gasol a few times already, for a quick four points and three boards. 15-8 Portland.
5:25 – Darko Milicic is on the court. When all is said and done with the mighty Serbian, his legacy will ironically best be associated for this book. Oh, and the fact that he sucks at basketball. 17-10 Portland.
0:06 – The final play of the quarter should have been a thunderous Greg Oden dunk, but for some odd reason he went for a layup which rolled out. He knows he’s seven feet tall, right? Do I have to point out the growth chart—written in pencil by each player’s mother on the door frame of the locker room—to him? 25-16 Blzrs.
SECOND QUARTER:
9:25 – Although it goes against everything I stand for, I have to give Sergio Rodriguez credit for his improved play over the past few games. He’s been downright decent, like an adequate backup point guard who no longer deserves to be sent to the D-League or traded to another team in exchange for some fluffy towels and a basketball pump. Then again, tonight he has one point, zero assists, two turnovers, and two fouls. Aw, somethings never change. 30-22 Portland.
8:02 – Gasol bearhugged Travis Outlaw (like a good Grizzly should), yet avoided the foul and was awarded with a jump ball. Outlaw won the jump, tipped it to Roy, who passed to Sergio, who passed to Rudy, who passed to Outlaw for the fastbreak points. Remember kids, there’s no “Marc Gasol is a huge jerk” in the word “team.” 32-24 Portland.
3:47 – Can we talk about beards for a minute? It’s Portland, so of course we can. Both Blake and Roy are rocking the awkward stubble of their respective “playoff beards,” but it’s a little disappointing that no one else has joined in. I want this team to look like the 1972 Oakland A’s, or a Lumberjack convention, but that can’t happen with just two (poorly grown) beards. Beard up, Travis Outlaw. You too, Michael Ruffin. You can’t hide on the bench. 38-30 Portland.
0:52 – Speaking of guys from Spain who have picked up their games as of late (No, not you Sergio. And I’m definitely not talking about you, Gasol.), what’s gotten into Rudy Fernandez? Following his five points in three seconds play against the Suns, Rudy looks like the same hyper rookie that launched a thousand crushes, and started off the season so well. 48-36 Portland.
THIRD QUARTER:
9:48 – Memphis doesn’t seem particularly interested in climbing back into this game. Perhaps they are exhausted from watching the NCAA tournament—which, since they are a permanent lottery team, must be like Christmas shopping for them—but no one on the Grizzlies is bothering to play defense any more. Biggest lead of the game: 53-36 Portland.
7:23 – I could score off Darko, I swear. And I’m on crutches with a physique that can best be described as “bloggeresque.” 57-40 Blazers.
6:31 – Darius Miles has checked into the game and the boos start raining down on him. For what? Anyone? 59-42 Portland.
1:31 – For a team going nowhere, the Grizzlies bench is full of all sorts of wonders: There’s Darius, Darko, Marko Jaric, and Hamed Haddadi, who is the only Iranian basketball player in the NBA. It’s like the land of misfit toys. I’m kind of jealous of their reserve player freakshow, kind of like Portland’s bench back in the Ha Seung-Jin days. 65-45 Portland.
FOURTH QUARTER:
11:29 – What the fuck? Oden shoots a jumper? From about eight feet out. Not surprisingly it was well short. 68-47 Blazers.
10:34 – It’s official, Sergio is terrible again. Get Jerryd Bayless in there, please. 68-49 PDX.
6:47 – Wisely deciding not to shoot any more jumpers, Oden dunks the ball. Smart move. 75-56 Portland.
4:23 – I’m glad that McMillan is actually resting the starting lineup, instead of running them into the ground despite the scoreboard. Oh, and after the latest Sergio turnover, Bayless has been unleashed. 79-58 PDX.
2:41 – Sergio and Bayless on the court at the same time? With StudRuffin? Also, a section of the 300 section has started a “Michael Ruffin” chant. My head is spinning. 84-61 Portland.
0:00 – And that’ll do it. Not much effort from the Grizzlies (more Gentle Ben than killer bear), and your final score: Portland 86, Memphis 66. Utah is on Tuesday, can’t wait for that…
Great updates, thanks for keeping us in the know – I think this is a few minutes ahead of all the illegal live streams too.
This is one of the most boring games all season. Roy and Fernandez should be benched just to make it more interesting. Has Oden had any game time yet today?
Oden played a little bit at the start of the game. I think they tried to get him to play a bit, but they benched him later on.
Oden finished with a pretty respectable line: 12 points, 9 rebounds in 21 minutes of play. Then again, it was against Memphis.