MONDAY, MAY 4 As a general rule, it’s never a good idea to
piss off the gays. Why? Because (1) the gays have TONS of
friends in the media (ourselves included), and (2) if you make them
mad, the gays and their gay-loving friends will investigate you and
reveal your breast augmentation, and your previously
taken semi-nudie photos. By now you’ve probably guessed we’re
talking about Miss California Carrie Prejean, who unwisely made
her ignorant thoughts about same-sex marriage loudly known during the
Miss USA pageant. As reported last week, the Miss California
Organization (MCO) revealed they paid for Prejean’s breast augmentation
before the pageant (because nothing distracts from an ugly personality
like huge boobs). Today it was revealed that the holier-than-everybody
Christian Carrie Prejean once posed for sexy semi-nude photos AFTER the
MCO had paid for the boob job—a direct violation of the Miss
California USA contract. Will she have her crown removed? Stay
tuned (and hope that after yanking the crown they scoop out the
homophobic part of her brain). MEANWHILE… If you’re wondering
what Prejean has against the gays in the first place, TMZ.com has provided a clue by digging up
documents surrounding her parents’ very ugly divorce. Apparently
Carrie’s parents were fond of hurling negative homosexual
allegations at each other, including mom accusing dad, in front of
the kids, of being gay, and dad claiming that Carrie’s stepdad was
obviously flaming because, “all men with mustaches are gay.” OH
WOW. But before you start feeling sorry for poor Carrie and her
mentally unstable childhood, just remember how screwed up your parents are. And last time we checked you’re not actively positioning
yourself to be the homophobes’ poster girl/masturbation aid.
TUESDAY, MAY 5 General rule #2: It’s not always a good idea to
head butt a fashion designer in the nose. (Don’t worry, Miss
California—you’re not to blame this time! It was actor Kiefer
Sutherland!) In one of the weirder Hollyweird dust-ups of the week,
Sutherland stands accused of ramming his head into the nose of Jack
McCullough, presumably because the designer either inappropriately
touched or bumped into Brooke Shields. (Wait… what?)
Sutherland was reportedly drunk, and earlier in the evening had been
“running around wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally
crazy,” according to a spy on the scene. After the bump/inappropriate
touch, Sutherland approached the designer and ordered him to apologize.
When he wouldn’t, shoves were exchanged, and Sutherland slammed his
forehead into McCullough’s snoot, to the horror of onlookers including
Mary-Kate Olsen and Kirsten Dunst (who should be used to
seeing horrifying things by now, if they’ve looked in a mirror lately).
Buuuurrrrnnn! DON’T HEADBUTT US!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 6 Need another general rule? Sure, why not?
If you’re Oprah, it’s generally never a good idea to ever
associate yourself with chicken. Nevertheless, that’s exactly
what Oprah did today after giving away free KFC coupons on her
web-site to all her fans (of which she has a few). Now besides the
moral implications of providing fatty fast food to her possibly already
morbidly obese fanbase, apparently her
coupon giveaway caused
something of
a mini-riot at certain KFC locations.
Overwhelmed by hundreds of customers screaming for free chicken, the
manager of NYC’s 42nd Street franchise stopped honoring the
coupons with somewhat dire results. According to Gothamist, a
person on the scene reported, “The people there are currently holding a
sit-in and are refusing to leave until they get their free chicken…
or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed,
people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential
beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde.
Oprah, what have ye wrought?” Unfortunately, Oprah was unable to
respond because she was busy lounging in a Jacuzzi filled with fried
chicken and laughing maniacally. MEANWHILE… OH! And happy
birthday, George Clooney!
THURSDAY, MAY 7 So now we’re starting to think that Lindsay
Lohan might be a vampire. It would certainly explain her
wild mood swings and aversion to sunlight. This week Lindsay dropped in
at lesborific former gal pal Samantha Ronson’s pad at around 2
am to have their weekly screaming match. At 4 am she was
heard bashing things around and screeching, “WHY COULDN’T YOU BE
THERE FOR ME??” But within 30 minutes it was over, and she was all
smiles upon leaving SamRo’s sarcophagus. Wait… THIS JUST IN! Lilo was spotted again at midnight at the Roosevelt Hotel
cozying up to actor/known vampire Jared Leto! Oh sweet god…
they’re starting a coven!
FRIDAY MAY 8 So okay, Barbara Streisand might have terrible
taste in plastic surgeons [see Letters, pg. 3], but she sure knows how
to hire good help! Today Streisand’s receptionist, Tina
Fortenberry, was pulled over for driving with expired
tags—but when cops took a closer look inside the car, they found
cocaine, methamphetamines, and a “sap,” which
trusty ol’ Wikipedia describes as a “small, easily concealed club.”
Cops arrested Fortenberry for all of the above, plus driving with a
suspended license. Meanwhile, Babs was reportedly put out by the
whole affair: TMZ.com reports that
Fortenberry was “carrying some mail for Babs that she was supposed to
take to the post office,” meaning someone else had to go pick up the
mail at the jail. (Confidential to a certain back-alley plastic surgeon
in East LA: After a slight delay, rest assured that the check’s in the
mail, for the full amount of $19.95.)
SATURDAY MAY 9 “I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett
Johansson, who I have nothing against,” professional
Transformers hussy Megan Fox recently told
Esquire. “I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out
every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me
seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do
that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard.” Oooh,
snap, ScarJo! Take that! And if that wasn’t catty enough, Fox
went on to scratch up Zac Efron‘s tween flick High School
Musical. “Let me tell you what it’s really about,” Fox said.
“High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all
being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad.
It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have
these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow
there’s music involved. You have to get stoned and watch it.”
Wow. Going after Scarlett and Zac in a single interview?
Kudos, dear, kudos. Very impressive. We’ll be keeping our eyes
on you. (Unfortunately, so will Hubby Kip.)
SUNDAY MAY 10 Not much happened today, other than 900-year-old
comedienne Joan Rivers (who we’re pretty sure shares a plastic
surgeon with Barbra Streisand) inexplicably beating poker player
Annie Duke for the top spot in Donald Trump‘s reality
show The Celebrity Apprent—WAIT! WAIT! STOP THE
PRESSES! OMG, is Lindsay Lohan pregnant?! So claims
heretofore-unknown gossip blogger Ian Halperin, who claims that
he “just learned from a close source in LiLo’s camp that the
out-of-control actress is seven weeks preggo.” “I swear she’s
carrying,” Halperin’s source claims. “She’s going through big emotional
turmoil. She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an
abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is,
she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more
than two dozen men in the past couple of months.” You know,
dears, sometimes, as a gossip columnist, one has to admit that there’s
simply nothing to add—no wisecracks, no snide jokes, no sarcastic
quips, no Megan Fox-worthy insults. No, sometimes a story is complete,
whole—a thing of beauty unto itself. That’s what we have
here, dears, so with that, we’ll bid you adieu ’til next week.
Interesting you took the side of Perez Hilton, who makes violating others’ privacy his mission in life, instead of someone who politely answered a question when asked and even indicated a slight openness to the idea of civil unions (read her full comment for further enlightenment). yeah, the gay community acting like a bunch of wounded cats attacking a blonde babe, that’s gonna get 30 or so states to overturn their anti-same-sex marriage amendments. All poseurs like you have done is create a hero to the other side, making someone who clearly was swimming in the shallow end look like a deep, courageous thinker. Good going guys! Glad you weren’t around when MLK was fighting the good fight, else Mr. Obaman would still be struggling to get into law school instead of cleaning up Bush’s mess.
And one more thing. Hilton could have said “I disagree, but I’d like to sit down with you and talk about what it is you feel you’re protecting, and maybe I can show you gay marriage is not a threat.” Instead, he and dipshits like you have fueled every anti-gay stereotype out there to the nth degree. Do you realize Fox may give this woman her own show now? That’s your victory? How fucking stupid are you people? Why do you think liberals spent so many years in the wilderness and we had to suffer under Bushie so long? Because fuckin’ idiots like you don’t know how to persuade people, you just ridicule their deeply held beliefs and faiths. Meanwhile, gays suffer because you dumb fucks never grow up. Watch how this will snowball into a total rejection of the gay marriage movement by straights who may have been won over. Now they’ll be afraid you represent the vanguard of censorship and religious persecution. You dumb, dumb, dumb fucks.
What is this, a response to a NY Times or Wall Street Journal editorial? Maybe try linking to the onion and providing some outraged commentary there too, eh?
Wow… Mr. Freedom is either batshit-crazy or a mediocre troll. I’m guessing mediocre troll since he called Sam Adams a fascist once.