For his devastating Ponzi scheme, financial dickhole Bernie Madoff gets the maximum sentence: 150 years. (Why does that not sound “maximum-y” enough for me?)

Pack yer bags, boys: the troops begin their withdrawal from Iraq.

Michael Jackson’s mom has filed to get custody of the dead pop idol’s kids. Wait… isn’t the father… GAHH! JOE JACKSON! Hasn’t he done enough?

Supreme Court rules that four white firefighters were discriminated against because of their race. FINALLY, some justice for the honkies!

Doctors say that ovary transplants are possible. FINALLY, some justice for men who are tired of women who say “Ooh-la-la, I can make babies, and you CAN’T.”

To placate the mobs, the hard-liner Iranian president orders a partial election recount. (In that they will only count the votes made for him. Fair?)

South Carolina governor decides to stay on the job following his Argentinian love scandal—because that’s the new hep thing all the politicians are doing.

NYT declares high heels officially “over”; check out MOD later today for an eulogy/”bullshit” alert.

And finally, remember the Filipino prisoners who rose to YouTube fame with their Thriller reenactment? Here’s their tribute to the late Michael Jackson. (It’s mostly a lot of arm waving, but jump to the 5:30 mark to see their very weird MJ poster.)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=OK25cfzdTTg%26hl%3Den%26fs%3D1%26

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

4 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  2. “an eulogy” makes you look like a hick desperate to impress with the grammatical “rules” they learned from cliffs notes.

    Similarly, are you guys ever going to spring for a proofing intern? It would be a lot more value-laden than what most of the current one’s do.

  3. Swings & Roundabouts said: “an eulogy makes you look like a hick desperate to impress with the grammatical “rules” they learned from cliffs notes.”

    That should be “grammatical rules HE/SHE learned”.

    Reverse burn.

  4. Yeah, but no… I’m dead serious about the proofing intern/employee. Inability to form sentences in correct English isn’t edgy, it just makes you all look too dumb to write on the level that we’d expect of a high school student. There’s no shame in bringing in a pro if you guys can’t do it yourselves.

    “3. (used with an indefinite singular antecedent in place of the definite masculine he or the definite feminine she): “Whoever is of voting age, whether they are interested in politics or not, should vote. “

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