The Best of Enchanted Forest

ANNUAL “BEST OF” FEATURES in newspapers and magazines make
money—and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. However, while
everyone’s scrounging around looking for what’s best in Portland year
after year, we often forget that behind what’s proclaimed as “the best”
is a person. And within that person’s head, a dream.

Seventy-nine-year-old Roger Tofte is an artist. But instead of
working in oils, watercolors, or clay, his medium is the amusement
park. In 1971, Tofte opened “Enchanted Forest”—a small-ish fairy
tale-themed park situated on a rolling hillside just a scootch south of
Salem. What sets the Enchanted Forest apart from its bigger and
better-financed competition (think Disneyland and Six Flags) is obvious
from the get-go: It was lovingly created and built by the creative and
detailed hand of Roger Tofte and his family.

In the early ’60s, Tofte was a father of four, and realized that
there wasn’t much “family entertainment” in the Salem area.

“I’d seen a few little parks,” Tofte told the Mercury, “but
they weren’t very impressive. I’d always had a big interest in
art—so I figured, ‘Why not?'”

And with that, Tofte bought 20 acres of hillside off I-5,
and—hauling one bag of cement at a time—began bringing an
imaginary world to life. At the time, he was a draftsman and artist for
the state highway department (as well as a full-time father), yet spent
every spare moment building the dream. Of course, it’s a universal
truism that all dreamers must have their detractors.

“The guys I worked with would ask me, ‘How’s it going up on Idiot
Hill?'” Tofte remembered. “I just ignored it, though.”

After years of painstaking work and a $2,000 loan from the bank,
Enchanted Forest opened on August 8, 1971. On day one, 71 people showed
up. The following Sunday, 1,000 people were at the gate. Tofte was able
to quit his job with the highway department by 1973, and since then has
devoted all his time—alongside daughters Mary (CFO), Susan
(artistic director), and son Ken (attractions development and
animatronics whiz)—to improving and adding new attractions.

And rest assured, you won’t find this level of DIY craftsmanship at
Disneyland. There, the squeaky cleanliness and ostentatious perfection
creates an unsettling distance. Tofte’s representations of classic
fairytale characters are closer in tone to the original
stories—which means while there may be an abundance of whimsy,
there’s also an undercurrent of dread. Adorable dwarves live in
spitting distance of haggish witches. Alice—making her way
through Wonderland—stares accusingly at the hookah-smoking
caterpillar. And Peter Pumpkin Eater’s imprisonment of his wife in a
pumpkin shell? Let’s just say that attractions such as this give the
modern thinker pause.

Enchanted Forest features punny jokes alongside almost
panic-inducing mazes; cute animatronic squirrels alongside unsettlingly
hot teenage employees. It’s got a log ride, a chili-infested snack bar
menu, amazingly awesome souvenirs, and one of the best rides ever
created: the Challenge of Mondor. It’s Disneyland—without the
suffocating morality. It’s good, clean summertime fun that’s
surprisingly inexpensive (only $9.95 admission? Wait… WHAT?), and
accomplishes exactly what the classic roadside attraction is supposed
to accomplish: It transports you inside another person’s dream.

While larger amusement parks fail miserably in this economy (the Six
Flags corporation is currently struggling with bankruptcy), Tofte’s
forest is doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. Portland’s travelers
aren’t flying cross-country for fun, they’re taking a 45-minute drive
south. What they’re discovering isn’t the gaudy hedonism one may expect
from larger and infinitely more expensive attractions. Enchanted Forest
is refreshingly small time, quirky, surprisingly rich with detail, and
sweet. Oh, and I guess I would be remiss to leave out that it’s utterly
enchanting.

On your visit, you may see owner Tofte motoring around the park on
his scooter. When we chased him down for our interview, and told him of
our admiration for what he’s done, Tofte seemed genuinely humbled and
surprised.

“I guess I just don’t hear that sort of thing much,” he said.

Well, Mr. Tofte, you’re about to hear a lot more of it, because this
year’s “Best of” edition of the Mercury is dedicated to you, and
the dream you’ve created and continue to improve. Thanks for enchanting
us.

BEST WAY TO BREAK YOUR ANKLES

In my defense, they don’t tell you until it’s too late: Upon
entering the Enchanted Forest you’ll see a sign laying out a few ground
rules, one of which forbids the wearing of high-heeled
shoes. Unless you happen to have a spare pair of something
butchier stashed in the trunk of your car, though, there’s little to do
but plunge forward, confident in your well-heeled experience. But while
other under-enforced rules common to amusement parks like “must be
five-feet tall” and “no alcohol” have little bearing on your actual
safety, the no-heels rule at Enchanted Forest is no joke. Not only is
the entire place built into the side of a giant hill, and therefore on
a constant incline, but a decent percentage of the attractions are
designed to make you fall down. For instance, the crooked house that
forces you to lurch through its nauseatingly sloping rooms, or the
unrealistic but no less wobble-inducing Wild West-themed drunken
simulation chamber. The upside is that if you make it through
Enchanted’s gauntlet heels intact, you’ll have given your calves one
hell of a workout. But the risk is too great. Better to wear flats and
just stand uphill from your friends. MS

Best place for the Bellagio to totally rip off an
amazing light and music show

That fountain outside the Bellagio in Vegas can go eff itself,
because the most amazing display of light and sound you will EVER see
is at Enchanted Forest! Spurts and drizzles of water joyfully frolic
before your eyes as candy-colored, hallucinogenic lights throb and
glimmer—all to music that’s at once haunting and exhilarating.
Clearly the inspiration for every water fountain ever created, the
Fantasy Fountains Water-Light Show at Enchanted Forest will
leave you stunned and amazed. Also, next time you’re ooh-ing and
aww-ing at that so-called fountain outside the Bellagio, just remember
this: My buddy Shaun peed in it. But has he ever peed in the
Water-Light Show at Enchanted Forest? No! No one would dare to
commit such a crime. Not even Shaun. EH

BEST HANDSOME DEAD PRESIDENT

Only at Enchanted Forest will you score the chance to have your
photograph taken—in period garb—with an honest-to-god
Abe Lincoln impersonator (and a handsome one at that). Not only
will the gentle, bearded (did I mention handsome?) giant solemnly pose
for photographs—he’ll even help you don a Confederate soldier’s
jacket. You haven’t been buttoned ’til you’ve been gently buttoned by
Abe Lincoln. Don’t forget to tip your dead president. AH

BEST SELF-GRATIFYING ANIMATRONIC SQUIRREL

There is a lesson to be learned in the Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs house—and it’s not “don’t take suspicious-looking apples
from old crones,” either. The moral here is simple: Don’t peek into
windows unless you’re prepared for what you may witness. If one is
brave enough to peer inside the bedroom of the Seven Dwarfs, one will
see empty unmade beds, a chirping bluebird, and… an animatronic
squirrel giddily pleasuring himself under a bedsheet. Oh, why
doesn’t the Enchanted Forest provide eyeball-washing stations?? WSH

BEST MAKE-OUT CAVE #1

While most of the Enchanted Forest’s numerous zany caves feature a
direct route from beginning to end, it’s impossible not to get a little
lost in the spooky Indian Cave! Empty private caverns, a secret
staircase, and dark passages that narrow for the perfect “tight
squeeze” await you and a consenting adult partner. SM

BEST WAY TO TEST YOUR CHILD FOR CLAUSTROPHOBIA AND/OR
ARACHNOPHOBIA

No need for fancy, expensive psychological evaluations! If you
suspect your kid has a fear of small enclosed spaces and/or spiders,
simply force them through the small, dark rabbit hole in the
Enchanted Forest’s Storybook Lane! The tiny circumference of the tunnel
(which is somewhere close to 50-feet long) ensures that most adults
won’t be able to enter, but hey, confronting one’s fears alone is an
important lesson that any young child would be well advised to learn.
Besides, even if your tyke were to become paralyzed with fear,
surely it’s nothing a high-pressure water hose can’t fix. MS

BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR IN THE FREAKING WORLD

Right next to the Enchanted Forest snack bar, there’s the Enchanted
Forest Ice Cream Shoppe where you will find the most utterly enchanting
ice cream flavor in the world: “birthday cake.” Swear to god,
you guys… it tastes exactly like a birthday cake! It’s white
with multi-colored sprinkles, and it’s like someone froze one of those
amazingly delicious Costco cakes, impregnated it with ice cream, and
dumped it on a cone. Or maybe some magical wizard from centuries past
milked a unicow (a cow with one horn), added a buttercup of fairy
juice, churned it with his magic wand, and transported it into the
future to a time when people could actually appreciate it’s
awesomosity. IT’S THAT GOOD! (Warning: After eating three cones, the
magic kind of wears off.) WSH

BEST EGG

BEST USE OF FRENCH CULTURE

Susan Vaslev, the daughter of Enchanted Forest founder and
master sculptor of whimsical cement creations Roger Tofte, studied
harpsicord in Paris before writing all the music that plays throughout
the theme park. “I think the reason my music has the flavor it does is
because I’m a classically trained musician,” explains Susan, who
composes primarily on synthesizer these days. “What I’m looking for is
to set an atmosphere, whether it’s to create a magical mood or
excitement for what’s to come.” The music filtering through every inch
of Enchanted Forest, from the parking lot to Ice Mountain, has a Final
Fantasy flair to it, often evoking the tinkling of electronic wind
chimes. Susan still performs all the music for her father while she’s
composing new work. “We really feed off each other,” says Susan.
According to park lore, Enchanted Forest is the only theme park in
America that does not pay any licensing fees for its music. SM

BEST AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH ABRAHAM LINCOLN

After having my picture taken with our 16th president (see BEST
HANDSOME DEAD PRESIDENT), I awarded him with a one dollar
tip—mostly because I feel sorry for anyone who gets shot in the
head. “Would you like to ask Abraham Lincoln any questions?” he
said. “Ummmm… sure,” I stalled, having absolutely no idea of what I
could possibly ask, while knowing I would kick myself later if I didn’t
ask something. Eventually I asked, “Ummm… is it true that
during your presidency you were often depressed?” Abraham Lincoln’s
response: “Well, after three of my four children died, I did suffer
bouts of melancholy… so yeah… there’s that.”
Yeaaaahh… there’s that. AWKWARD!! WSH

BEST ALLEGORICAL INDICTMENT OF THE PATRIARCHY

In perhaps the most egregious violation of female sovereignty in all
the nursery-rhyme canon, Peter Pumpkin Eater, frustrated with
the philandering ways of a wife whom he “couldn’t keep,” condemned the
capricious woman to a lifetime of captivity in a gourdian
prison—a pumpkin that, in some readings, represents pregnancy, as
though gravidity will finally put an end to her whoring ways. As a
small nod to her freewheeling past, though, his wife defiantly paints
on her makeup every day—sign that while her body is trapped, her

imagination still ranges far beyond her domestic sphere. AH

BEST DWARF NAMES MADE UP TO AVOID COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

BEST NON-ANIMATRONIC MUTANT SQUIRREL

Of all the gruesome beasts and twisted critters we saw in Enchanted
Forest, the most fearsome was a bizarre mutant hybrid, the likes of
which would chill even the most experienced biologist down to the bone.
And this wasn’t even a concocted display! No, this was a live, wild
monster that freely roams the Enchanted Forest.

Ostensibly a squirrel, this fiendish varmint scuttled around garbage
cans, gorging on discarded nachos and candy. I quickly came to the
sickening realization that this was no squirrel. For starters,
it didn’t move like a squirrel. It had a weird, rolling gait that was
closer to the scuttling of a groundhog, or—gasp—even a
slithering snake. And its hide was speckled with white spots, just like
a baby deer.

What the devil was it?

We dare not answer that question, but we bring you rare photographic
evidence of this freakish thing, with a warning that the fabled
Groundhog-Fawn-Squirrelbeast is not a creature to mess with. Use
extreme caution if you spot this ferocious abomination of nature.
NL

BEST REAL ESTATE DEAL (IF YOU’RE A GHOST AND/OR AXE
MURDERER)

“Not for the easily scared,” warns the Enchanted Forest map, doing
its best to shoo chickenshit travelers away from the Haunted
House. As they well should! Not only are there ghosts in the
Haunted House, but also rats, axe murderers, and, for some reason, a
weird plant thing that reaches out and tries to grope you. Also, there
are snickering teenagers who act like they’re not scared, but they
obviously are. It’s a pretty good haunted house. I peed my pants twice,
so I’ll give it a rating of four Depends (out of a possible five).
EH

BEST (AND MOST FRIGHTENING) COCKNEY BLACKBIRD TO EMERGE FROM A
PIE

BEST WAY TO FRIGHTEN CHILDREN INTO NEVER LYING

The Enchanted Forest’s Pinocchio display is an exquisite
rendering of the beloved children’s classic: The familiar puppet sits
in the workshop with his maker, Geppetto, in a heart-warming tableau.
But soon horror strikes! The wardrobe door crashes open, and a
hideous zombified corpse emerges!

I know the Blue Fairy (or rather… ahem… the “Fairy with the
Turquoise Hair”—sorry, Disney) is meant to be a pleasant,
benevolent figure, but the Enchanted Forest’s retelling rightly puts
emphasis on the story’s all-important moral: Forget that growing-nose
nonsense, kids—if you lie, a terrifying blue hag will jump out of
your closet and kill you until you are dead. NL

BEST PLACE TO SUFFOCATE A COWORKER WITH A PONCHO

The Log Ride at Enchanted Forest is both sublime and
heart-poundingly exciting. The first part of the ride is a leisurely
float, granting the log’s passengers a rare view of the lush forest
surroundings, which is then followed by the rude awakening of a 40-foot
plunge and a wave of cold water engulfing your crotch. I would suggest
wearing one of the plastic ponchos generously offered by the onsite
staff. Not only does it provide protection from the nether-soaking
elements, but when the coworker (in this case Ned Lannamann) sitting in
front of you starts to complain about how “boring” the ride is, quickly
whip the poncho over his face and pull back HARD, just as the log goes
over the 40-foot precipice. “Boredom,” thy name is now “heart attack.”
WSH

BEST SUPERFLUOUS MASCOT

“Chippie” the Chipmunk. (Best superfluous Mercury employee:
Erik Henriksen, also pictured.)

BEST DUNGEONS & DRAGONS NERDGASM

Just by reading its name, you can tell that the Enchanted Forest is
a pretty enchanted place. And just so we’re clear on what that means:
Pretty much everything in Enchanted Forest is 10 times better than
anything anywhere else on the planet. So I hope you understand my
meaning when I tell you that Enchanted Forest’s Challenge of Mondor
ride makes everything else in the whole place look pale in
comparison! In the Challenge of Mondor, you meet the kindly wizard
Mondor, who tasks you with ridding his magical, fantastic realm of
evil! You do this by getting into a little buggy that drives around on
a track, and then, whenever you pass by animatronic spiders and gnomes
and trolls and monsters and dragons, YOU SHOOT THEM WITH LASERS. What’s
more, the buggies you ride in keep score of how many magical creatures
you murder, so you can tell everybody what a badass dragonslayer you
are! In case you want to try and beat our scores (you won’t), here they
are: Matt Davis 3,240; Wm. Steven Humphrey 3,150; Patrick Alan Coleman
3,100; Ned Lannamann 3,000; and me, 1,245,742,993. And at the
end, Mondor told me I was the “new ruler of the realm!” Suck on that,
dragons! I’m the ruler of the realm! 1,245,742,993! EH

BEST PANIC ATTACK

You know how sometimes when you’re a grownup you pretty much think
you can handle doing kid stuff? Like, no big deal, if a child can do
it, so can you? But then your eight-year-old nephew challenges you to a
game of chess and wins, or—to bring this back on topic—you
see a child-sized maze at Enchanted Forest, and you think, “No
sweat! That thing’s tiny! I’ll be out of there in like 30 seconds!” And
so you enter the tiny maze with the utmost confidence only to realize,
about five steps in, that the fact that the maze is tiny doesn’t mean
it’s easy, it means it’s cramped, and claustrophobic, and so
stuffy you can barely breathe, I mean there’s really not enough
oxygen in there for an adult your size, and in fact it’s not easy at
all, and all the helpful signs that say “This way!” just lead you
straight into a wall, and you can’t even turn around because
you’re really just too big for the maze—I’m sorry, did I
say “best panic attack”? I meant worst panic attack ever. AH

BEST MAKE-OUT CAVE #2

OMG, guys! You know that scene in The Goonies when Andy
kisses Mikey by the waterfall thinking she’s actually kissing Mikey’s
brother Brand? The Dwarf Mine is such a perfect setting to
recreate that exact scene! You’re right there on a bridge, overlooking
a cavern with its sparkling Day-Glo waterfall. It’s super dark in there
and the music is so soft and soothing—sure, it’s not like the
awesome Dave Grusin score from the movie, but it totally works. PAC

BEST LINE UTTERED BY A TEENAGER IN A HAUNTED HOUSE

“Is that a lip?”

BEST PLACE TO SEE AN UNKNOWN CAST MEMBER FROM TWILIGHT

According to a teenage park employee, the best place to spot a
dreamy member of the hit movie Twilight is in the Challenge
of Mondor. “I totally saw one of the stars of Twilight on
the ride,” she gushed. “I don’t know his name… but it wasn’t the
British one. Oh, and one time? there was a famous country singer, too!
I don’t know his name, either. I don’t like country music. But they
loved it!” WSH

BEST PLACE TO BE VICTOR STEFFEN

Outside the Challenge of Mondor ride, a plaque displays the
all-time highest scores. (They said my score was “too big to fit” [and
that’s not the first time I’ve heard that, ladies], but they’re going
to have a special plaque made just for me, which will also have my
picture on it, in which I will be giving a thumbs up with one hand,
flipping a dragon off with the other, and there’ll be a hot elf
chick feeding me grapes or something.) Anyway, on this plaque of
Mondor’s champions? The one and only Victor Steffen, listed not
once, but twice—indeed, Victor’s combined score is an

impressive 9,180. Nice, Victor Steffen. Nice. I’m guessing this
has gotten you laid a ton. EH

BEST PLACE TO BE SHOUTED AT BY TERRIFYING ANIMATRONIC BRITISH
PEOPLE (WHO AREN’T MATT DAVIS)

In Enchanted Forest’s Ye Old World Village, you’ll find
Merlin’s Magic Shoppe, which is kind of what Diagon Alley would be like
if Diagon Alley was made out of papier-mâché. Which is
fine, but then above you? Windows jerk open and robot people stick
their heads out—their rubber faces cracked and wearing away to
reveal the machinery inside. Like terminators if terminators were from
England, these terror-bots screech their gibberish British language at
you, slowly driving you insane. If you ever wanted to envision an
America in which we lost the Revolutionary War (and the British were
terminators), stand outside of Merlin’s Magic Shoppe and shudder.
EH

Best DENTAL PRACTITIONER

BEST PROOF THAT NEWTON WAS WRONG

There’s no place for science in the magical fantasyland of the
Enchanted Forest. In fact, science doesn’t even work here. To
wit: the Newtonian gravity demonstration on display in a
storefront in the Olde European village. It’s meant to be a sciencey
exhibition of physics (yawn), as balls tumble and traverse a
complex network of ramps, tubes, pulleys, and chutes. But on our visit,
nary a ball was moving through the track; in fact, all the balls were
completely motionless! Perhaps the display was broken—or PERHAPS
the laws of physics don’t apply to the Enchanted Forest. Suck it,
Isaac! (Now if only there was a display proving Darwin wrong.) NL

BEST OFF-MENU SNACK BAR ITEM

Lunchtime at Enchanted Forest is a delight—especially for the
summertime chili lover! Of the 14-item menu, a whopping SEVEN dishes
are slathered with delicious meaty chili. In fact, the park’s aromatic
signature dish is so delectable, I decided to order “off-menu” and have
my chicken nuggets coated with the stuff (and cheese). “Chili Cheese
Chicken Nuggets?’ the teenager behind the cash register croaked.
“I’m not sure if we can do that.” However after a quickly held and
hushed conference involving no less than three employees, the answer
was thus: “Sure! Why not?” The resulting dish was just as exquisite as
expected, and I have little doubt that they will add “Chili Cheese
Chicken Nuggets” to the permanent menu. Until then, just step up to the
window and order your nuggets “Wm. Steven Humphrey-style” with a wink.
They’ll know what to do. WSH

Best squirrel eating a corn chip

Best place to be subtly accused of being a child molester

Admittedly, there are plenty of places where this can happen (just
ask Mercury Food Editor Patrick Alan Coleman!), but nowhere
beats the line outside the concession stand at Enchanted Forest.
If you, like me, make the ill-advised decision to visit Enchanted
Forest alongside three other grown men, rest assured that there’ll be
at least one concerned lady who’ll size you all up, watch all of you
out of the corner of her eye, and then sidle up and start asking weird
questions like, “So… is the park younger than you expected?”
and “So… what exactly are all of you here for?” Thanks
for the memories, lady. No trip to an enchanted forest is complete
without a stranger accusing you of being a chimo. EH

BEST HOT TEEN WORKING AT THE NACHO BAR

The dreamy Forest employee (only one in a park filled with
super cute and friendly teens) struck up a conversation while
dispensing vibrantly orange liquid nacho cheese from a machine onto my
chips. “Imagine if you had a big pool of nacho cheese. You could swim
in it and stuff. That’d be sweet,” he said. Dude. So sweet. SM

BEST ADVICE YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER TAKE

BEST PLACE TO SAY, ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

BEST WAY TO NOT VIOLATE THE TERMS OF ONE’S PAROLE

As I took a whizz in Western Town’s “Waterin’ Troff,” a small
boy began breathlessly chattering to me about the Log Ride. “Did you go
on it! Wow, that was fast! Oh my gosh!” The unattended lad couldn’t
have been more than six or seven years old. And there he was, trying to
talk to me… in a public men’s room… while I had my member in my
hands. Danger! I thought to myself. Red alert! I didn’t
even dare turn to look at him. Only until I zipped up—and washed
my hands—did I dare respond. “Yeah,” I mumbled. “That Log Ride
sure was fun.” And then I ran… as fast as my legs would carry me.
NL

BEST CREEPY ELF PUTTING THE MOVES ON A BEAR

Outside the borders of the Enchanted Forest, a relationship between
a creepy little elf and a creepy little baby bear would probably
be looked down upon. Or maybe it’d be illegal. Yeah, it’d probably be
illegal. But in the Enchanted Forest, anything goes (or so I told that
high school cheerleader I explored the Indian Caves with), so if all
goes according to this creepy little elf’s plan, these two are going to
have a truly enchanted evening. (Psst! By “enchanted,” I mean “boner
filled.”) EH

BEST “JOKE”

Spotted on community message board full of whimsical status updates
about Enchanted Forest’s fairy tale denizens: “Notice: Due to severe
burns, Jack Be Nimble will not teach the candlestick jumping
class this week.” Actually, guys? That’s not funny. Not funny at
all. AH

BEST PLACE TO GET TO KNOW YOUR EMPLOYER

The challenges of Ice Mountain are not for the faint of
heart. It’s a twisty-turny, rollercoastery bobsled ride through a
frosty mountainscape, with sudden drops, speedy swerves, and an
insulting splash of water in your face when you least expect it. But
for the truly hardcore, I’d recommend amping up the fear factor and
riding Ice Mountain as I did: sandwiched between your boss’
thighs.

As Mercury Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey and I arrived
to the front of the line at Ice Mountain, the (hot, underage) attendant
informed the two of us we’d be sharing a car, so I intrepidly took the
seat in front, while Wm. Steven Humphrey, perhaps a little too happily,
climbed aft. No sooner had the (hot, underage) attendant lowered the
cramped lid than I realized there was not enough room in the car for
two ample-sized male adults. So I swallowed my nervousness and nestled
my posterior against Wm. Steven Humphrey’s fronty bits. The ride began,
and every turn and jerk pressed us closer; the rapid speed of the
bobsled lashed me back against his flesh, which warmed me against the
bitter arctic chill of Ice Mountain. We whooshed through the numerous
turns, hills, plunges, and thrusts, our pulses quickened with
excitement and arousal—but the thrill was over in a
heartbeat.

As soon as we escaped the confines of our cozy bobsled, Wm. Steven
Humphrey and I awkwardly and immediately parted ways. But in our
memories? We’ll always have Ice Mountain. NL

BEST CONSEQUENCE-FREE INTOXICATION EXPERIENCE

Should your throat grow parched while wandering the streets of
Enchanted Forest’s Western Town, duck into the saloon for an authentic
Wild West boozing experience—sans booze. Behind the saloon’s
façade is a long corridor with a mushy, unstable floor,
simulating, down to a stagger, the drunken lurching experience. While a
quick straw poll indicated that a trip down drunkard’s lane rendered
this writer neither funnier nor prettier—a far cry from
the optimizing effects of a martini—the subsequent lack of
nausea, headache, and self-recrimination was a rare treat. AH

BEST THEATRICAL PRODUCTION IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST

In any textual analysis of the Enchanted Forest, it quickly becomes
apparent that the hollows and vales of this storied park are rife with
sophisticated subversions of conventional fairy tale
narratives—from Little Bo Peep’s radical rejection of private
property to the sex-positive reimagining of Ms. Muffet and her tuffet.
None is so quietly revolutionary, however, as the intellectual
centerpiece of the park, a subtle masterpiece of post-feminist gender
criticism and epic theater à la Brecht: Snow White and the
Seven Dorks.

In a boldly unapologetic move, the Enchanted Forest players cast the
tale’s villain—the Evil Stepmother—not with a female actor,
but with a young man in drag. This wry, post-feminist revision inverts
traditional gender roles on a metatextual level vis-à-vis
accepted masculine modes, while intertextually challenging an
assumption common to all fairy tales: namely, that powerful women are
synonymous with evil, and that feminine strength is a force to be
feared. In Snow White and the Seven Dorks, it is in fact male
power that poses the biggest threat to Snow White—to both her
physical person, and to her status as a sovereign individual, not to
mention the psychologically devastating consequences of perpetuating
the notion that if a young woman waits long enough, her “prince will
come” (shades of Beckett).

The pervasive influence of the male-dominated power structure is
illustrated nowhere more clearly than a pivotal scene in which the
Stepmother searches the stage in vain for the Woodsman, that elusive
henchman of the patriarchy. As one young audience member cried, her
passionate vigilance lending her words the gravitas of a cultural
indictment, “He’s behind you! No, other side! No, he’s right there!”
Indeed, young audience member. Indeed. AH

BEST THREE-HEADED FREAK BUNNY MONSTER

BEST PLACE FOR AN IMPROMPTU MILF WET T-SHIRT CONTEST

NOT THAT I WAS LOOKING! I mean, c’mon… they have ponchos RIGHT
THERE! So I don’t know if I can be blamed for staring in horror and
shock when an attractive mother wearing a soaking white shirt steps out
of her log with a big grin. NOT THAT I WAS STARING! I mean, for the
love of God, there are children about!

I know that as an active, attractive young mother, you have a sense
of adventure and like to take risks to keep the soul-deadening task of
raising a family from turning you into a hollow-eyed zombie. In that
respect, the Log Ride is a great way to get some excitement. But
you should have realized you were going to get soaked. IT’S A LOG RIDE!
Also, you should have connected that with the fact you’re WEARING A
WHITE T-SHIRT! Not that I was paying attention. Because I totally
wasn’t. Honestly. I’m married. What kind of sick person do you think I
am? PAC

BEST MAKE-OUT CAVE #3

“Long John’s Lookout.” (Get it?)

BEST PLACE TO SHOOT A PET DOG

There are woefully few places in the US of A where one can partake
in target practice on life-like household pets. Well ready, aim, fire
in the Western Town shooting gallery! Gleefully unload a 50-cent
round to watch the mangy robot dog on a rundown front stoop yelp and
squirm! SM

BEST SIMULATION OF A HALLUCINOGENIC EXPERIENCE FOR
TODDLERS

Kids ask a lot of questions: “Mommy, why are your pupils so dilated?
Daddy, why are you putting those little paper squares in your mouth?
Why are you guys trying to eat Mr. Fluffykins? Why are you looking at
me like that? What’s the number for 911 again?”

It’s difficult to explain to a child that you are merely trying to
tap into the thrumming soul of the ever-loving universe through the use
of certain chemicals meant to facilitate the complete eradication of
the ego for up to eight hours.

Luckily for you, the Crooked House allows your child to
understand the effects of hallucinogens, making it completely
unnecessary for you to say anything other than “This how Daddy feels
after he eats the little paper squares.”

The floors are slanted and difficult to walk on, the cat has
accusing eyes, the angle of the walls makes them look as if they are
being held up by nothing but your thoughts, man. And have I
mentioned the cat has accusing eyes?

An hour or so in the crooked house and your child will no longer ask
you those asinine questions. Instead, they will understand. Oh yes,
they’ll understand everything. PAC

BEST PLACE TO BREAK YOUR FAVORITE SOUVENIR THREE MINUTES AFTER
PURCHASING IT

Enchanted Forest parking lot.

BEST ENCHANTED FOREST SOUVENIRS!