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WHISKEY IN THE JAR—Downtown Irish pub Kells kicked off this year’s five-day St. Paddy’s celebration back on Friday, but the festival’s highlight—other than the millions of pipers and dancers and pints of black beer—is Grammy Award sensation Imelda May tonight! (Also, there’s a Thin Lizzy cover band.) MD
Kells, 112 SW 2nd, festival tent open 10 am-midnight, $20-25

PDX GOT AGT—Join Howie Mandel, Sharon Osbourne, Nick Cannon, and that bitchy Brit who’s not Simon Cowell at a free taping of America’s Got Talent! Hasselhoff will even be there in spirit when I perform my talent: eating a cheeseburger half-naked off of Howie Mandel’s bald, germaphobic head. DB
Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, Wed March 17 & Thurs March 18, 1 & 6 pm, FREE

Faster, Busy Week! Kill! Kill!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)