THE KARATE KID and The A-Team are merely this week’s ’80s cash-ins: Prepare thyself for an upcoming Smurfs movie, a Red Dawn remake, a Conan reboot, a Dark Crystal sequel, a Wall Street rehash, and some Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The ’80s properties below are some of the very few that have yet to be shamelessly exploited—though after Hollywood steals my brilliant pitches, they will be.
Alf: Still Alive—Little-known fact (because no one gives a shit): Alf’s series ended on a cliffhanger in which he was about to be captured by the government! This movie would conclude that heart-stopping finale, and would also feature him eating housecats in graphic, graphic detail.
Snorks: Like the Smurfs, But Crappier—If 2011’s The Smurfs makes a lot of money—and it will, because nothing portends box-office success like the phrase “featuring Katy Perry as the voice of Smurfette”—we can expect the Snorks, the poor kid’s Smurfs. I knew a kid in kindergarten who actually preferred the Snorks. He also crammed beads up his nose every afternoon and then cried like a goddamn baby.
The Goonies: Still Goonin’—Astoria would shit a collective brick for another excuse to trick people into coming to their town.
Murder, She Wrote—I’d update this ol’ chestnut so that Angela Lansbury, instead of solving boring mysteries, KILLED PEOPLE. And then used their blood as ink with which to write mystery novels. There would be a twist ending where Magnum, P.I. would take her down!
Mr. Belvedere—I’d update this ol’ chestnut so that Mr. Belvedere, instead of taking care of a boring family, KILLED PEOPLE. And then used their blood as wood polish with which to polish banisters or whatever the fuck he did all day. There would be a twist ending where Magnum, P.I. would take him down!
Doogie Howser, M.D.—After ignoring him for 20 years, everybody loves Neil Patrick Harris again! Make this a fruity musical like Glee and it’ll be box-office gol—wait. What? Neil Patrick Harris is in that new Smurfs movie? Never mind.
Punky Brewster vs. Small Wonder vs. Webster—There would be a twist ending where Magnum, P.I. would take them out for ice cream!
The Cosby Show—TBS would totally run this, provided Cosby was replaced with Tyler Perry in drag.
Re: “I’m Staying Home: Mercury Video Picks”
..smurfs and snorks … TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!! Are you even old enough to remember them?! First off and most importantly, Smurfette is a bone killer, while I can still make an erection thinking of Daffney Gillfin (It’s the optional and centrally located head orifice). OK,.. they were SIMILAR to smurfs….. in that they were cartoons……, but that’s where the similarities end, Henriksen. The snorks were variable colors,…. not just BLUE… and, more crucially, LIVED UNDER FUCKING WATER!!!!!. Hold Brainy or Vanity under water, and see how long they last. Now, which show is better? That is personal, but, at least, the snorks had the decency to be canceled outright, and not try to pull a bag of feces over the consumers’ heads by the dropping of a plump deuce like Sassette or Wild Smurf all over the last few seasons to try and reach around a younger and dumber audience. The Smurfs wasn’t a terrible show. I had the Atari game, and it whooped ass. I stayed up late to watch their Christmas special. but The Snorks 5 season run wasn’t ever enough for me. I guess I’m still dealing with the loss.