I know a lot of you guys are concerned about your diminishing sperm counts and you gals are worried about your barren vaginas. BUT DON’T FRET! Japan is always coming up with new, interesting ways of satisfying basic human needs—especially when it comes to robotics! Check out this animatronic child that could be yours if you play your cards right. PROS: Robot kids don’t sass talk! CONS: You don’t want to be alone in the house with robot kids.

Hat tips to WTF, Japan! Seriously?

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)