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Some of you may have picked up this week’s Mercury and found this inside. It’s the latest edition of our Eat and Drink Guide, and in addition to tons of listings for local spots to eat around town, there actually is a Choose Your Own Adventure-style story inside.

So check out the Eat and Drink Guide! (Now in select drop spots around town.) The artwork by Andrew Zubko turned out awesome, as you can clearly see, and we had a lot of fun putting it together. In the story, you can roam around Portland and meet a bunch of strange characters, like a Antediluvian pug-monkey, a talking orb called a Bavlax, and a rusty old can of paint. You can also die a grisly death in plenty of different ways, such as: electric eels, rocket launcher, or anorexia. Here’s a sample:

“Suck on this, milkwad!” you cry as you slam your fist into the old man’s gut. He crumples to the ground with a whimper. Grabbing your money from his fist and tucking the Antediluvian pug-monkey under your cloak, you run deeper into the city.
“Well done, sir!” exclaims the Antediluvian pug-monkey, gaily. “I’ve been looking for a new spirit-companion for quite some time!”
“Pleased to meet you,” you say breathlessly.
Then you hear the old man’s voice behind you. “Ah, hell nah,” he growls. “Am I gonna have to nuke a bitch?”
You turn around and see that the old man is brandishing a rocket launcher. He fires. Smoke emerges from the back of the tube. Soon, a rocket is rapidly headed in your direction.

If you run away, turn to page 5.

If you stand and fight, turn to page 50.

It’s the Eat and Drink Guide! And it’s possibly the dumbest thing the Mercury has ever done.

Ned Lannamann is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. He writes about film, music, TV, books, travel, tech, food, drink, outdoors, and other things.

7 replies on “Check Out the <i>Mercury</i>‘s Eat and Drink Guide!”

  3. It is a sweet graphic. My little bro got me a stack of Choose-Yr-Owns for Christmas last year. I fondly remember holding my finger on the decision page while flipping ahead.

  6. Can’t wait to see it!

    I have to kick this “shut-in” status, though and get out of the house to find one… Will the humonculus get me?

  7. Dudes, the Choose-Yer-Own-Adventure was AWESOME. You should do that again, and again, and again. Maybe even just as a weekly short story. I need to learn more of the Bavlax, and kinda want details of the evolution of my sexual relationship with the lizard creature.

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