NOBODY WANTS to go outside in February. We want to sit in our houses and apartments, and tear through our Netflix queues, and watch DVR’ed episodes of Bridalplasty until we’re tired or bored enough to fall asleep. We can no longer trick ourselves into thinking that we enjoy the “coziness” of winter, and last month’s gas bill just showed up so it’s not that cozy inside anyway. Can someone just bring me dinner? I really don’t want to go that Thai place next door again.
So, the obvious answer is pizza. But from where? The best places—Apizza Scholls, Dove Vivi, Ken’s—don’t deliver. And most decent joints closed up shop at a reasonable hour when normal, happy people prefer to eat. So, what? Domino’s? Not so fast.
Lonesome’s Pizza may not have a flagship parlor per se, but they’re doing plenty to establish themselves as the go-to for sad, lazy individuals who can’t muster the energy to put on shoes—not the least of which is making pretty damn good pizza.
Where to start? I suppose the menu. All items are numbered, which gives the owners the freedom to have fun changing pizza names whenever they feel like it, without confusing customers too much. The website uses the theme “fights that would be too awesome to actually happen in the world”: Lou Ferrigno vs. a Shark with Throwing Stars for Teeth; Rock Hudson vs. Clothes Shopping with Your Mother (that one’s vegan!); John Stamos vs. the Entire Comanche Nation. Other menus currently in circulation have pizzas named for “awesome things lesbians can do,” and “possible reasons we ain’t getting women, though we own a badass pizza place.” So maybe they’re not exactly telling of what comes on the pizza, but c’mon, don’t be a dick—it’s fun.
Second, each box is decorated—from the looks of it—by an ADHD third grader with a Reed College fine-arts degree and nostalgia for the cereal boxes of his recent youth. The first pie I ordered came in a box that was part of their American Superhero Series. It had a photo and a brief description of a female timber team they’d seen compete on ESPN2 some night around 3 am. The next one came with a surprisingly decent documentary about freight riders (Jack Cahill and David Eberhardt’s Long Gone).
I only mention this so that you’re not put off by the name of the pesto breadsticks—Bite-Sized Hitler—and the fact that one of the owners/delivery guys is a midget (they’ve named salads and breadsticks for characters he’s been paid to portray). His partners describe themselves as “three rednecks and a gay guy.” Rumor has it another delivery person is a knockout beauty. So far, men of average height/looks have delivered my pizzas.
I know what you’re thinking—Lonesome’s has employed enough gimmicks to distract this reviewer into writing nearly 500 words with hardly a mention of the actual food. Okay, yeah, maybe. But it can’t be nefarious, because they’re putting out consistently solid pizzas.
The crust is thin and slightly crisp—not cracker-like by any means, but Chicago lovers ought to look elsewhere. They have a few sauces to choose from—a standard marinara, an alfredo, a sriracha base, and a spicy Ethiopian variety (I’ve yet to try this one, but I’m looking forward to it). Most pies are topped with a fantastic mozzarella, but there’s a goat-cheese option, and a vegan cashew cheese as well.
Few people will walk away disappointed by the choice of toppings. They have your cured meats covered, and the vegetables I’ve sampled so far have been flavorful and fresh. The #8 (“My Dad vs. Your Dad”) was a particular favorite—a white pie with mozzarella, pear, walnut, and gorgonzola—but the #2 (“Dolph Lundgren vs. a Puma”) will be hard to pass up—it’s topped with marinara, mozzarella, arugula, prosciutto, and shaved pecorino.
A 10-inch goes for $9, and a 17-inch ranges from $18 to $23, depending on how elaborately you outfit your pie.
If I were to offer some constructive criticism, it might be to cut costs elsewhere and invest in some of those insulated bags that keep your pizza warm. I’ve yet to have a really piping hot pie. And considering that they’re covering a lot of ground—Killingsworth to Powell, and out to 82nd on the Eastside, and through downtown, the Pearl, Goose Hollow, and Nob Hill on the Westside—I imagine that’s a common occurrence.
“Be good and you will be lonesome,” says Mark Twain (from the tagline on my pizza box). That’s what I tell myself too. Though I imagine with pizza that good, their phone operators will be far from lonely.
The new Dominos pies aren’t bad. Especially at like six bucks for a medium.
yay! glad to see lonesome’s getting the recognition it deserves…. i love this place – not only for the pizza but for what they’re doing with local artists and pushing cool stuff out in to the world. never saw the hot delivery girl, but i totally have a crush on Nik, the little person that delivered my pizza one night. and definitely try the ethiopian, its my favorite!
Domino’s is the Kia’s of the pizza world, Lonesome’s is the Rolls Royce. Nothing wrong with a Kia, but for a few dollars more, why not get the best? I’ve been in Portland my whole life and this pizza place is in my Top 5 places of all time for food in this city! I strongly recommend them, if not for yourself, do it for your tastebuds!
I haven’t tried Lonesome yet but based on what I’ve heard it sounds like it’s worth a try. On a side note: why when there’s talk of pizza joints in Portland they always have to name drop Apizza Scholls as the best? That place is so overrated. Just because they limit their dough (intentionally) and you have to wait in line doesn’t make it good. Their sauce and cheese are both mediocre. I’d gladly take a place like Hammy’s over them any day.
Interesting facts.The top five day’s of the year that pizza sells are the day before thanksgiving,halloween,day afer christmas,new years and super bowl sunday.The best time of the day to eat pizza?ANYTIME!!!!!
What a great marketing coup. Not only are they an advertiser, they are also a story. Sounds like main stream media. The best part is that there banner ad is right above the story.
Fuck all y’all! Escape from NY will always be the best pizza in Portland.
I agree with Joe Joe, aside from the negativity. Escape is the best I’ve had in town, but I’m glad that Hammy’s finally has some competition.
Get back Joe.
For the super bowl, we ordered 4 large pies (I believe the 1, 2, 9 w/ tofu, and 10). While that was $100 ($84 for the pizza plus $16 tip),
1) The pizzas were hot (cold pizza has been a knock against them),
2) The pizzas were awesome (the 9 esp. went over well), and
3) The pizzas were delivered 10 or 15 minutes ahead of schedule – 35 minutes or so on Superbowl Sunday is an eminently reasonable wait.
Would definitely order again. Well done, Lonesome!
oh yeah,
4) Someone else paid for it. That helped.
I have not tried Lonesome yet, but will even though gimmicks, art bs and tofu are NOT me, nor am I into “gourmet” toppings (which is why along with crappy attitude and service Dove Vive can blow me despite the fact its decent), so far I agree with Joe Joe, Escape from New York is my favorite and I’ve tried nearly all of them.
Hammy’s is good, I don’t think its anything to rave about though. And what the hell is wrong is ordering pizza at 3 am drunk? What better time to do it? So judgemental! That’s the last time I go to your mom’s place. and I mean it this time!
rachelpdx:
Ethiopians are people, not objects. I find your comment disrespectful.
i have to agree with Jota. after weeks of seeing Lonesome Pizza heavily advertising in the Mercury, it seems awfully suspicious that we now see a glowing review.
We were all just complaining about the price of pizza in town but, yeah, their pizza is decent.
@ Jota, so you want the Mercury to review local businesses, but for the sake of objectivity, they should not allow them to advertise with the paper/website.
When will you start personally funding the Mercury? Otherwise, it’s trade-off time! Eek!
@4 you are crazy. Apizza Scholls has other-worldly crust, and delicate flavorful toppings. Not that it’s my favorite pizza in the world or anything… but HAMMY’S? I’ve had Hammy’s at least 2 dozen times and the crust has been doughy and undercooked in the center EVERY SINGLE TIME. The toppings are nothing to write home about either and basically it’s just a really consistently mediocre pizza. Of course, I still order it frequently, because they are open late, and like they said in some hip 90’s movie, “sex is like pizza — even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good”
Glad to hear Lonesome’s also delivers late-nite pizzas.
I tend to feel worse about myself on a downward slope, so simply by virtue of the passage of time I will feel worse after ordering the pizza than before?
This is the best pizza delivery i’ve had. Also really cool they’re open til 4am, I really like what they’re doing with promoting local artists. Portland needs more places like this. I don’t see how they could possibly be making money. I got a large margarita. It came 45 minutes later; hot, fresh ingredients and a cd. Keep up the good work.
Pizza is terrible, guys. I’m sorry but it was really gross. The box was amazing, though. I discovered a new artist and I appreciate the late night pizza delivery. Try a bit harder with the ingredients please.