This “rivalry” that Portland supposedly has with Seattle is a goddamn joke. We’re better in practically every conceivable way, and they know it. HOWEVER! It has come to my attention (via Bethany over at Slog) that Seattle is on the cusp of getting… THEIR OWN “HOT TUB BOAT” COMPANY. Hot Tubs! Inside a boat! That you can ride around in!

From the Hot Tub Boats site:

Imagine navigating the waters of Lake Union with sweeping views of the Seattle skyline while lounging in a luxurious soaking tub.
The boat can accommodate up to six persons while underway, and eight at dockside. It is powered by an almost silent electric motor at approximately 4 to 6 knots. Each hot tub boat is equipped with built in dry storage and two coolers.

The Hot Tub Boat Company is expected to start renting Hot Tub Boats to Seattlites by “Summer 2012.” THIS AGGRESSION SHALL… NOT… STAND. What follows is a slightly amended speech first made by President John F. Kennedy in 1961.

Now it is time to take longer strides—time for a great new Portland enterprise—time for this Portland to take a clearly leading role in Hot Tub Boat achievement, which in many ways may hold the key to our future on Earth.

Recognizing the head start obtained by the Seattlites with their advanced Hot Tub Boat technology, which gives them many months of lead-time, and recognizing the likelihood that they will exploit this lead for some time to come in still more impressive successes, we nevertheless are required to make new efforts on our own.

I believe that this Portland should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of sending a man onto the river in a Hot Tub Boat and returning him safely to the land.
We choose to build a hot tub boat. We choose to build a hot tub boat in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard!

LET’S… BUILD… A… HOT TUB BOAT!! RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

13 replies on “The Race to Get the First Hot Tub Boat”

  1. LETS MAKE THIS HAPPEN PEOPLE. IF SAM ADAMS ONLY DOES ONE THING WITH THE REMAINDER OF HIS LAME DUCK MAYORALCY, IT’D GODDAMNED BETTER BE TO PUT A HOT TUB IN A BOAT IN THE RIVER.

  3. @Mars

    That is why we will also need… A HOT TUB BOAT COP!

    I can’t believe I was the first person to say that—but I felt like I gave you people plenty of time. Commenters: Please use the rest of today focusing on being less disappointing.

  7. Onwards I say with the plans of the Digital Hot Tub Boat. (the digital is what it gives the + to it.)

    Also, in attempts of modernizing and funzicing the city furthermore, a beach of the Willamette River will have to be given for the Surf Waves Machines (SWM ™) to be installed in it.

    -(SWM ™) has no connection with commenters or writers etc, and it’s already been patented-

  9. @Mars, if you even think of putting one toe out of line on a boat and I’ll chop your fucking head off.

    @Steve, thanks for keeping these goons in order. Today was hell on the Pacific; almost reminded me of the Panama Canal debacle. Anyway, I’m off, this Courvoisier is not going to drink itself.

  10. Race? The boat is already in the water and the water is already in the boat! But I have it on good authority that Hot Tub Boats LLC is a good and generous outfit that would be quite pleased to bring their steamy innovations to Portland once business gets underway.

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