I did not enjoy myself last night. You probably did. You were probably doing something amusing, like watching television or having sex. I was not. Much to my chagrin, noted sadist and Mercury arts editor Alison Hallet thought it would be funny if I went on a tour of the “Shanghai Tunnels” hosted by Zak Bagans of the Travel Channel’s Ghost Adventures. I did. It was terrible. Share my pain, after the jump.
The whole evening stood upon twin pedestals of steaming, awful bullshit.
Bullshittery the First: The Shanghai Tunnels are an urban myth
The “tunnels” are actually the basement of a building originally called the Merchant Hotel, now home to Hobo’s, the Boiler Room, and Old Town Pizza. The organization that puts on the Shanghai Tunnels tours claims that that basement (along with many others) previously connected to the waterfront via a series of passages. I’ve long been intrigued by the idea that Portland had a big, sinister dungeon beneath it, but several experts on the matter have told me that probably was not the case. Portland did have dual-level wharves on the Waterfront up until Harbor Drive was built, and such wharves would have allowed for basement access directly from the docks. However, heavy rail on the streets and frequent flooding of basements would have precluded anything like underground dungeons or torture chambers from being practical in early Portland- they would have either caved in or been waterlogged.
(Full disclosure: I work for Portland Walking Tours, and I routinely tell tourists that the Shanghai Tunnels are an urban myth. Quite often I’m in the basement of Old Town Pizza informing folks that yes, it is a basement, and yes, the distinctly non-tunnel underside of the Merchant Hotel is what gets routinely passed off as Portland’s notorious Shanghai Tunnels, supposedly one of the most haunted places in America. Lots of people are disappointed by this information. I find their sadness enjoyable.)
Shanghaiing did happen in Portland. Lots of it. However, the guys furnishing captains with unwilling maritime labor didn’t actually need a big, elaborate S&M dungeon to do their thing. For the most part, shanghaiers got away with shady business the old fashioned way: By fixing the cops. For a good run-down of the basics of Shanghaiing and why the tunnels are basically a steaming pile of barnyard excrement, check out Kick-Ass Oregon History’s two part podcast on the matter.
Bullshittery the Second: Ghosts aren’t real
I like horror movies, haunted houses, and even a ghost tour now and then. (I’m very disappointed that Lone Fir Cemetery isn’t offering their Untimely Departures tour this year.) I am, however, also an intelligent human being who can tell reality from fantasy. Zak Bagans of Ghost Adventures does not appear to be one of those humans.
Bagans’ persona is one of an amiable side of meat. He’s stocky, deep-voiced, and seems like the kind of guy who would call you “bro” without any sense of self-consciousness or, for that matter, self-awareness. In his introductory remarks, Bagans talked about how didn’t believe in ghosts until he had a paranormal experience himself, which inspired him to become, as he calls himself “a professional paranormal investigator.”
Most of that “investigation” consisted of Bagans yelling at the air, asking if any specific ghosts were around, and pointing various gadgets at nooks and crannies. The gadgets would go “BRAPPBRAPPBRAPP!” after which Bagans would say “Yes? Hello?” or something to that effect. This continued for some time. Static. Yelling. More static. More yelling. Speculation on the part of the audience that they’d heard something. Static. Boredom.
The consensus was that the ghosts just weren’t out that night, but Bagans claimed that the last time he was in the “Shanghai Tunnels” a ghost asked him to get naked. (Presumably, so he could reenact that one scene from Ghostbusters where Dan Aykroyd gets a blow-jay from beyond the grave.) The whole thing was terrible. As historical tour, it failed because, you know, it was trying to pass off a basement as a super-secret underground that was built to steal dudes. More importantly, as a creepy ghost experience, it also failed.
If Bagans does believe in ghosts, he’s a credulous doofus, and if he doesn’t, he’s a charlatan. That’s sort of beside the point, though. What’s more important is that he was completely charmless as a tour guide and a performer. The audience (all fans of the show who’d won a contest) milled around aimlessly, unengaged. There weren’t any cool ghost stories or spine-tingling tales of suspense. There were no ghoulish yarns of the unfortunate dead. There was nothing like the kind of tale you’d tell at camp to scare yourself when you were a kid. There was only Bagans yelling at his screeching ghost hunting equipment, ignoring the people whom he presumably was there to entertain. For someone who’s been judged a competent enough performer to be on television on a regular basis, Bagans was a dead fish. He is, quite simply, not any good at putting on a show. On my way out I talked to two fans of the Ghost Adventures and asked them if they really believed the space we were in was haunted. “Oh yeah,” one of them said, “but not tonight.”
But is The Real World house haunted?
Best to just drink at Hobos.
That right there is the most bitchin’ lede I’ve read in months. Very nice! The rest of the story was a fun read too, but the first 5 grafs are world-class. I’m impressed as hell.
Bagans is the most douchebaggery “paranormal investigator” ever to make it to television. My fiance and I have watched his bullshit for a while just because we are hoping some ghost would just mess up his shit. I can’t say that I agree with your opinion that ghosts don’t exist.
My life was saved in Seattle by my grandma’s spirit telling me to leave my apartment one night. When I came home the next day there were police cars outside and I found out that the guy I was renting from upstairs had kicked in the door of my apartment and then went and bludgend (sp?) and shot his ex-employers. Then he jumped off the Aurora bridge and committed suicide. The police showed me the shotgun and shells upstairs in the house.
I do think that some bad shit went down in the tunnels, but having some ghost chasing ‘bro’ down there yelling at people trying to stir them up is ridiculous.
Sorry you had to experience the “Bagans” phenomena.
Sweet article, Joe!
imma take a moment to plug your ‘Underground Portland’ walking tour, of which I had the pleasure of taking last weekend. All of the debauchery, none of the bullshit!
As a ten year resident of Portland I was surprised at how much new information I learned about all of my favorite drinking/flopping spots.
http://www.portlandwalkingtours.com/tours/…
Fun read Joe! Dildo Baggin’s douchbaggery must needs exposure.
No mention of the Patron XO drinks? What about the food? You must have been utterly miserable to be employed by such a cruel boss who sent you to a place with all those free things that you didn’t enjoy.
Since you work for Portland Walking Tours, perhaps you should post a disclaimer that you’re biased in your attitudes about the Shanghai Tunnels’ history? I get the feeling you’re the type of person who denies there is any human trafficking in Portland in 2012….
Seems as though the only difference between Bagans and the Portland Walking Tours “gadgets” is that his makes noises while yours are cheap K2 meters that do nothing but pick up EMF from pipes and then claim that it’s the ghost of Nina. Unfortunately, I have been on two your damn tours thanks to out of town friends and can say that your “real history” changed. Two stories told but about the same thing and were completely different. Nina was German and had a daughter. Nina isn’t Nina and has a son. Well…what is the real story? Obviously you have all the facts. Enlighten us.
Seems as though you are completely biased in this article as you are not affiliated with Hobo’s or the tour. Drumming up business for tours?
And by the way…everyone knows that Bagans believes he is a Diva. If you didn’t like him then you shouldn’t have went. So much negativity about something that you didn’t even have to go to. But then again….you would have no reason to plug your own tours….
What a waste of time this was to read. You clearly have an agenda to drum up business for your walking tours, did you go on this only to get access to the tunnels?
I have not heard anything good about Portland Walking Tours and the thought that you hand out cheap meters and let people believe that they are having an experience because of the constant flux in the pipes below is simply laughable.
And yes, everyone who has seen Ghost Adventures knows Bagans is a prissy man but he has tons of fans who would have gladly taken the wasted space you held on this tour.
I am a little confused. Are you an expert on the paranormal (or the lack of) and the Shanghai Tunnels because you are given a script to read? I have seen the postings for someone to lead tours and it calls for actors. If you knew the real history you would know that the tunnels started being sealed in the 50’s. They were only used to move people, not to hold them. Holding cells were in the basements of the buildings not in the tunnels. The dead-falls did not open to the tunnels from the saloons but the basements. Blogs are meant for people to have their own opinion and you certainly have one. Not exactly based in fact, but definitely an opinion.
Saddly anytime the Cascade Geographic Society has contact with the media or programs out there it seems as if one group goes out of their way to make nasty comments about the The Cascade Geographic Society and man who did the research. Why? they make profit for their tours. The Cascade Geographic Society is a 501 (c) 3 non profit who works hard with Volunteers who believe in what they do. We are not paid performers out to swindel our guest. Everyone who Volunteers for the Cascade Geographic Society has full time job and or families and want the true facts out. We don’t charge unreasonable rates so we can pay performers. I have been investigating the Shanghai Tunnels on the Paranormal Level for about 14 years as a volunteer. I do not only have photo’s but also EVPs and research that we do show during special weekends. No we do not hand out our gauges. Why because of pipes. Don’t look good when you have a true investigator come in and says the high readings are from pipes and not Nina. You need to know what your doing and what to look for. As to Nina I have heard the comments about her. How dare you. She was a victim of White Slavery. Are you going to slander the kids out there now who are victims of Human Trafficing? If people out there want to take the True Tour needs to get in touch with the Cascade Geographic Society. http://cascadegeographicsociety.com/ to make their reservations.
As a guide for PWT for now 4 years (including the “ghosty” tour), I would just like to dispell another myth: that good information and entertaining presentation are mutually exclusive of one another. We all continue our education constantly, in hopes to present the history as accurately as possible, and the ghost stories (I repeat, they are “GHOST STORIES”) as engagingly as possible.
And I, for one, do not deny the electrical factors at play on our ghost tour.
To discount your guide as a charlatan simply because he or she can speak well is about as sound as saying one will learn more accurately from a source that is dry and boring.
May we please set aside the tour rivalry? Attend them all for your own purposes, be it learning, or fun– or hopefully both!– and draw your own conclusions.
Thank you, -Donna.
Wow, Joe, you really pissed off the ghost nerds. I think you were the vegan at the Texas BBQ.
I enjoyed your article.
I’ve been on a tour by Joe before. Consistently engaging and entertaining. Ghosts, like angry sky gods and mermaids, are not real.