There are, to put in in exceedingly charitable terms, a great number of challenges I face in my day to day life. The struggle is real (for me), be it basic housekeeping, feeding myself something other than 20-ounce cold-brew coffees, and on and on and on. That I have not become a ward of the state is a wonder to those who love me.
However, there are a few things that I excel at (very, very few). And rolling a joint, twisting up a fatty, making the Jazz Tobacco sing—dear reader, in that arena, I am on point. If the question is, “When it comes to joint rolling, can you hang?” my answer is, “Bitch, I’m like drapery.”
But I met my match executing a challenge that really should not have vexed me to this degree.
To get to the point, let’s roll another joint—a joint made of rose petals.
It’s a viral thing that originated online with a young woman on Twitter named Simple Sasha from Dallas, Texas, who shows in a two-minute video how you can turn three rose petals into a joint. Based on its size, it’s better described as a “Rose Blunt,” named after the famous Hollywood actress from the 1940s. (That last part is a lie.)
Sasha makes it look remarkably easy, and Portland being the City of Roses, it seemed most appropriate to import the custom here. I began by trying to track down organic rose petals. I didn’t require the volume used in every other scene of shows like The Bachelor. No, I just needed three simple organic rose petals.
You’d think that in a city where our road asphalt is locally sourced, free range, and organic, that finding three rose petals free from pesticides, sprays, and so on should be easy. It wasn’t. Grocery stores, neighborhood florists, my neighbor—everyone had beautiful roses that were chemically laden with things I did not want to smoke. A Waldorf-educated friend came to the rescue, with petals that were not only organic but biodynamic, so… yeah. That.
The instructions are simple: Lay the petals on a baking sheet, and place under your oven’s broiler for 10 seconds. The instructions say nothing about responding to a text and discovering 20 seconds under the broiler is enough to ruin everything, or saying “Goddammit!” loud enough to scare your cat/dog/partner/caregiver.
Start again.
Pay attention for once, and monitor the broiler for 10 seconds, then remove.
Start by licking the bottom of the three petals, and stick them together into a rolling-paper-shaped piece. If you get high before you do this, your cotton mouth will make your tongue so dry that the second petal you lick will tear. Ha ha, great.
Say “I don’t believe this shit.” Drink water, and start again.
Place them back under the broiler for another 10 seconds. Pull them out, and let them cool for a couple minutes. As Sasha says, “The petals are crisper but still malleable.” Add your ground-up weed, and Jesus, listen to me, make sure you get any small stem shards that your grinder may have torn into invisible pieces of rose-petal-tearing shrapnel, leading you to go back to the oven a third time.
At this point, this is mission, okay? This isn’t just about making a Rose Blunt, but this is getting done right. You have control over this. Not like that other stuff.
Start rolling from the end, with “lots of tucking and folding.” Lick it yet again, and try not to add up the amount of spit you have placed onto these petals. Spoiler: It’s a great deal.
Place it back into the oven, but this time—and this is IMPORTANT, stoners—on the BOTTOM SHELF. What happens if you place it back on the top shelf out of habit? Really? Do you really need to ask? Like most endeavors, it will end in bitter failure and tears, so BOTTOM SHELF.
Take it out. Let it cool for two minutes. Spark it up.
How is it, and what does it taste like? It’s a big blunt, made out of rose petals. It is floral. It tastes like roses. And weed. Mine did not burn terribly well or evenly, resulting in chunks of burning weed falling and burning things they landed on. I didn’t mind the loss of those jeans, and at least the searing embers let me feel something, anything. This year, though…
These will make nice gifts if made right, by someone who knows what they are doing. I am not that person, but you may be. Check out Konbini’s commentary here, and watch Sasha’s video below:
HOW TO ROLL A ROSE BLUNT pic.twitter.com/2Cr26rzllF
— Sasha💋 (@simple_sasha) September 14, 2017
