There is a student, a friend of yours. Let's call him "Brad." And there is a party, a real hootenanny--booze and beer, drugs and firearms, sex and dancing. You enjoy yourself, as does Brad.

But as the dawn breaks, and the party winds down, your friend Brad is passed out. He is blotto! Plowed! Tanked! There he is, lying face down on the floor, not moving but (apparently) still breathing. There are still a few hard-core revelers left at the party, and upon finding Brad on the ground, the lot of you decide to have some fun. But what to do?

Option #1: Classic Fun! Brad's drunken body is your playground. Why not coat him in shaving cream, or perhaps peanut butter? However, don't waste time on the hand-in-warm-water trick, since Brad will most likely piss his pants on his own.

Option #2: Polaroid Fun! With every nerve-ending in his body severely crippled, Brad is like a floppy doll, tailor-made for your amusement. A Polaroid camera can provide hours of fun. Remove Brad's pants and snap a quick photo of him naked from the waist down, strategically placing his hand around his own flaccid penis--flash! You can even place a semi-erect penis on his passed-out chin, forever damning him with photographic evidence that squeals, "Hey look! Brad sucks dick!"

Option #3: Transportation Fun! As Brad will surely have very little memory of the night's proceedings, why not invent a memory for him? With a little effort, you can place him in any number of hilarious places and predicaments. How about a bus to Clackamas? Or the dean's front lawn? Why not take him home and surround him with various forms of hard-core pornography? With only a Polaroid in his pocket to remind him of the night's proceedings, Brad will undoubtedly enjoy a most exciting and confusing morning.

(Note: Make sure to attempt to wake Brad before trying any of the above pranks. If he does not respond in any shape or form, whether it be a groan or a flinch, or he is face-down in a pool of his own vomit, take him quickly to a hospital. Once there, you can either take him inside yourself, or simply deposit his body at the curb.)

Good luck, and have fun!