Note: Initially, Subject Ezra was scheduled to drink the alcoholic substance known as "generic red wine;" however, Subject expressed great dismay at red wine purchased at Sandy Hut, which was served in an individual bottle with a screw-top. Ezra chose rum in wine's stead, intrigued by its colorful history and medicinal properties.

ABSTRACT: Rum, a by-product of sugarcane, was created by the Midwife Sonna dos Caliente for pirates in the 17th century, in exchange for her life. She died in 1689 after being mutilated by a wild boar.

HYPOTHESIS: Rum turns people mean, like pirates.

MEANS AND METHODS: Upon his first drink, Ezra is capable of having coherent conversations about such popular subjects as politics, music, and Enron, and making several jokes regarding chosen beverage's historical origins, such as, "I'm going to steal a couple of purses and get a bird on my shoulder." Subject appears jovial and exhibits no significant personality changes during consumption of first two drinks.

By drink three, Ezra notes, "If I had a car, I would still drive. 'Cause I'm drunk, but I'm not scared-of-the-pigs drunk," and quotes lyrics by popular rap band, The Coup. It is around this time that an uncontrolled element is introduced to the test, effectively overthrowing the proof of Ockham's Razor. The element is a friend of another Subject, hereafter referred to as "Teen Wolf" (as coined by Ezra, due to Teen Wolf's boisterous personality and brushy facial hair).

Whereas Ezra was previously amiable, Teen Wolf's presence somehow infuriates him.

"Teen Wolf is out of control!" he screams. "He's all wolf and no teen!"

(At this point, Ezra has consumed four and a half drinks and remarks that he would give up the keys to his car "or at least take a bunch of Mentos or Altoids. Don't tell me you've never done that.")

As a neutralizer, I coax Ezra to the Galaga machine to test his motor skills (41% hit-miss ratio). When we return to the table, Teen Wolf is eating from Ezra's plate of fries.

"Teen Wolf is eating my fries!" he exclaims, along with several other belligerent epithets.

Ezra then becomes visibly distressed, fidgeting with his sleeves and making comments such as, "Teen Wolf is all in my face and I hate it," "If you shoot Teen Wolf with a silver bullet, maybe he'll go away," and, "I am going to take off my shoe and throw it at the deejay." It is at this point that Subject has clearly become inebriated. When asked if, after five rum beverages, he feels he is capable of driving a car, Subject responds, "Into a tree."

CONCLUSION: While Subject does not actually don the eye-patch, hook, or parrot characteristic of all pirates, rum does turn him into a swashbuckler. Hypothesis CONFIRMED.