ABSTRACT: In 1862, dashingly handsome Great Lakes Steamship Captain Fred Pabst charmed Maria Best (the daughter of a local Milwaukee, Wisconsin brewer) into marriage. Two years later, Pabst bought out half of the Phillip Best Brewing Company and then charmed his way into becoming president of the concern. Soon after, Pabst increased production of Best's best from 5,000 barrels a year to 100,000 and changed the company name to match his own. He did so by utilizing his vast charms, Best's daughter's influence, and a dog-choking wad of American currency.
HYPOTHESIS: If indeed the original Pabst was a charmer, it is a small leap in faith to prove undeniably that those who now drink Pabst will become endowed with similar social attributes. Much as music has been known to soothe the savage beast, Pabst Blue Ribbon may well contain ingredients that can turn the average human male into a vernacular paramour.
MEANS AND METHODS: The subject of my study is 42-year-old freelance writer John Dooley, who agreed to intake libations of said Pabst Blue Ribbon at Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive.
Upon arriving, it became apparent that Dooley felt comfortable in what seemed to be his natural environment. At 8 pm, Dooley began consumption.
Dooley's 'first contact' with the patrons was to use the cleverly formulaic stratagem of laughing out loud at the television, wherein the classic sci-noir film Blade Runner was displayed. He laughed especially loud during the scene of Rutger Hauer lapping up the bloody guts of an eviscerated female drug abuser. Even without completely consuming his first experimental beverage, Dooley had already begun to bewitch the tavern's citizenry.
During the course of the experiment, the subject consumed seven (7) 650.6176446- ml portions of the urine-colored beverage and indeed, seemed to display unusually inordinate amounts of charm and charisma throughout the evening. He excelled at an electronic saloon game, which he called "pin-ball," told numerous personal tales of unadulterated hilarity, and appeared to be the subject of sexual interest to all whom inhabited the establishment.
When this researcher informed Dooley that criteria demanded he have a conversation with a relative stranger, subject jetted to the john, and returned with the following tale of vibrant social intercourse. Subject claimed he met a stranger in the bathroom who had introduced himself as "Larry." Said Dooley, while he and Larry were "draining the trouser trout," a discussion ensued regarding a "cool dog" belonging to "some neighbor." Apparently Larry's "mastiff-lovin' girlfriend" was "pettin' it" and it "peed on her." Afterwards, Dooley repeatedly recounted the tale, much to the delight of all within earshot, including, presumably, Larry's "mastiff-lovin' girlfriend."
With grandeur and effervescence (and his seventh 650.6176446-ml portion under his ever-expanding belt), Dooley capped the evening by charming a stranger into pretending to take his head off with the man's prosthetic hook.
CONCLUSION: Dooley's social agility remains unmatched in this researcher's opinion, which must be attributed to his consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon. That, or he really is a precious gift to all, that may be viewed through the microscope of history, as an international treasure of substantial proportions. God, I'm hung over.