Cheating in school is just like cheating at the drive-in, the laundromat, or at his house. You just need to make sure your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't see you. Hah!
Seriously, though. Maybe there's an insurmountable exam that you have to pass in order to get into North Dakota State. Or if you don't ace that fucking molecular biology test your parents will cut you off. Whatever it is, the only thing you need to study is this list of performance-enhancing techniques. Actually, unless you're taking a breast exam, you will need to study a little bit. Come on... even if you can autograph a grain of rice, there's no way you can copy an entire chapter (let alone five) onto a few sides of a pencil. Be familiar enough with the material so you'll know whether the abbreviation "F.T." stands for the "Fischer-Tropsch process" or "fallopian tubes."
• Finally, a good use for cell phones—It's astounding that having a cell phone atop your desk (even during an exam) is acceptable... but it is. Some students "just use it for the clock." Take advantage—and rope a nefarious pal into aiding and abetting—by having someone "text" some important information to you at an appointed time during your exam. Make sure the communication is two-way, though. How else will your accomplice know that "Millard Fillmore" showed up on your quiz?
• Sit on it—By necessity, crib sheets have to be small enough to fit into your sleeve or socks, right? When you want to use an entire page of notes, try sitting on it. This way, you can spend as much time looking down at your cheat sheet while appearing to be "in deep thought." This works especially well for male students who can easily move the sheet around while making it look like periodic package shifting.
• Be creative—When writing on your wrists or underneath your socks is too restrictive, explore new places and ideas—it's the least you can do since you ain't spending time studying. The inside bill of a cap is convenient if you wear one. Band-aids and nicotine patches can be useful—as can the undersides of fake fingernails—for penciling clues. If you're not squeamish (and can see well in the dark) it's recommended to write some answers on the insides of your eyelids. Very important—make sure it's on the INSIDE.
• Clever use of a beverage bottle—Remove the label of a clear soda bottle (preferably filled with a dark-colored beverage) and use it as your crib sheet. Simply replace the label and, with each sip, reveal more information.
• Ringers—This only works in a class of more than 100... or one where your professor doesn't know you from Lara Flynn Boyle. Have a friend, a paid "employee," or even Lara Flynn Boyle to take the test for you. Or, if your absence makes you nervous (and hiring a ringer doesn't), have your companion take the test with you—then simply switch exams with them before handing your test in.
• Whatever it takes—Sometimes you just have to fuck your professor. Or at least lick his balls. There's a fine line here—though this can be rewarding and get you out of studying, you MUST be sure about this before you act. Go to your instructor's office the week before the exam and talk to him/her. You'll know almost immediately whether it's cool or not to throw your prof on the desk. This is no time to be coy about sexual acts—be prepared to toss a salad if you must. After all, he/she is doing you a big favor; expect to do the same in return.
