THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE you're going to pee this summer. It might be in the woods, it might be in a bar bathroom, or maybe you'll drop trou at Pickathon. Pee it up, Portland, it's good for you! But now I need most of the ladies to bring it in—yeah, lean in—I've got something really important to impart:


Okay, enough yelling. This info might seem self-evident, but based on the number of times I've gotten pee on my butt parts, not everyone has received this life memo. This cultural crime can be pinned on one of three different types of pissers:

(1) The Standers, who seem to know what they're doing, so that's enough about them.

(2) The Hoverers, whose precious bottoms recoil from contracting heinie herp (or whatever they're scared of catching... most likely they're just wary of sitting in other Hoverers' puddles). They are the seat-moistening monsters.

And (3) the Sitters, the sodden rest of us. We inadvertently sit in your tinkle water. We are frequently sad. And mad. And wet. But the good news for all of us this summer, when festival season reaches its porta-potty-filled heights, is there is a beautiful solution to this everyday problem. (Sadly the panacea is not toilet seat covers, those paper-thin delusional dreams of sanitary protection.)

It's so simple I'm surprised there aren't cross-stitched homilies hanging in every bathroom the world over:


Hoverers, use your delicate-flower foot to lift the toilet seat just like considerate penis-havers have done for eons. (USE YOUR FEET TO LIFT THE SEAT!) Then squat and splash to your butt's content! No one will sit where you piddled, while you revel in your cootie-free lifestyle. Tell your friends, spread the handy mnemonic devices. You will be lauded by Hoverers and Sitters alike.

It's so easy. It's so elegant. It's so dry.

More How to Do Summer Articles:

How to Do Summer

How to Hike... by Bus

How NOT to Go Hiking

How to Get Someone to Take You to the River

How to Hitchhike to Suavie Island

How to Glamp

How to Avoid the Sun

How to Pick the Perfect Summer Book

How to Listen to Music in the Out of Doors

How to Disc Golf Like a Pro

How to Skinny Dip

How to Pee