When asked to interview the "best oppressed zoo animal," I immediately thought of my friend, Rose-Tu, the Asian elephant. A political prisoner at the Oregon Zoo, Rose-Tu has faced more than her large share of menacing oppression--both at the hands of certain keepers, and the public at large.

Lance: How long have you been here, Rose?

Rose-Tu: I was born here in 1994.

So, to what degree do you feel your incarceration is political?

To what degree?!?! You people have been using and abusing elephants since forever! From Hannibal to Barnum & Bailey, and you never let up excepting of course, the hippies. Hey, does anyone from PETA read your paper? Jesus. I've been trying to reach them for weeks, and they won't return my calls. Something about a "native species focus"

What's life like on the inside?

Well, things were fine for awhile. You know--I had a routine. Eat some hay, a little dust bath here and there, circle the yard; my life had slowed to an acceptable crawl. Then it happened you probably read about it, although I don't remember the Mercury giving it much coverage

Oh yeah

'Oh yeah ' is right, asshole. Two years ago, that drunken moron stabbed and anally probed me over 175 times with a sharpened ankus!! [An ankus is a type of cane used by handlers.--ed] That's proof positive you hairless monkeys are freaking alien hybrids.

I'm really sorry, Rose. On behalf of humanity, I apologize really. Want some peanuts?

Peanuts?!?! Fuck YOU, and fuck your fucking peanuts! I'm outta here and if you see that ass-poking zookeeper, you tell him, we never forget EVER. --LANCE CHESS