Clams in Sherry Sauce

Thanks to Marc Bittman for this one, whose whopping new cookbook, The Best Recipes in the World, is currently on the stands.

¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
2 garlic gloves, peeled and slivered
2 shallots or 1 small onion, diced
3-4 lb. clams, the smaller the better, scrubbed of all sand
½ cup sherry or more, depending on how drunk you're getting
black pepper to taste
2 tbsp. butter or more olive oil
1 tbsp. lemon juice
chopped fresh parsley leaves for garnish

(1) Heat the oil in a skillet and throw in the garlic and shallots for 5 minutes. (2) Add clams and heat on high 5-10 minutes until the clams have opened and released their juices. Remove and drain the clams and add sherry to the pan. Cook until the mixture has thickened—about 5 minutes. Add the butter and some pepper. (3) Put the clams back in the pan and stir 'em for 2-3 minutes. Remove the clams and put them on a plate. Add the lemon juice to the sauce and pour it over the clams. SERVES: 4

Cheesy Beer Soup

I scored this decadent little number off It advocates what could be the most beautiful combination in the history of cooking: beer, milk, Worcestershire sauce, and cubed Velveeta.

½ cup onion, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
1 tbsp. Parkay spread stick
1 lb. Velveeta, cubed
¾ cup milk
½ cup beer (your choice, though darker brews taste better and PBR won't taste good)
¼ tsp. Worcestershire sauce
few drops hot pepper sauce

(1) Cook and stir onion and garlic in large saucepan on medium high until tender. Reduce heat to medium low. (2) Add Velveeta, milk, beer, Worcestershire sauce, and hot pepper sauce. Cook, stirring constantly, 5 minutes or until Velveeta is melted and soup is hot. SERVES: 4

Pot Butter serves up this sweet, sweet cream, a must-have for any pothead looking to get stoned for the holidays. Pot butter eliminates those pesky stems and seeds, and can be substituted for normal butter in pretty much any baking recipe imaginable. It's also a delicious spread on toast or Turkey Day dinner rolls.

sticks of butter (as many as you want, bro)
a fat sack o' weed

(1) Using a double boiler or two pots, melt the butter on low heat. When using two pots, fill the larger (bottom) pot with water and the top pot with butter. (2) Once the butter melts, add the weed. A "light" batch may use an ounce of weed to 6-7 sticks of butter. (3) Simmer the weed/butter for 20-30 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes. (4) Let sit for 5 minutes then use the cheesecloth to strain the pot butter into a bowl. (5) Squeeze the juice out of the cheesecloth into the bowl. (6) Cover the bowl and refrigerate.

Microwave Blender Gourmet "Crack" Baby Apple Compote (Sugar Free!)

Here's a tasty and simple way to use up those mealy, unused little apples and get your holiday smile a-twitchin'. "Crack" Baby Apple Compote can be used for pies, blended into applesauce, or makes for a savory smoke.

6 baby apples, any kind
2 tbsp. butter
1 ½ cups crack rock, finely ground
¼ tsp. ground cinnamon
¼ tsp. pure vanilla extract

(1) Peel, core, and cut apples into small chunks. (2) Place in microwave-safe casserole dish with butter, cinnamon, and crack rock. (3) Cook uncovered on high 10 minutes. (4) Now you have the compote—if you want sauce, puree the apple mixture.

Quick and Easy PCP-Sprinkled Doughnuts

Mmm, nothing screams the holidays (and I do mean "scream") like delicious glazed doughnuts dusted with colorful PCP. Christmas dinner with the family getting you down this year? Why, just pop a couple PCP-sprinkled doughnuts and rip their stupid ugly faces off!

1 container buttermilk refrigerator biscuits (I said they were quick and easy, not good)
cooking oil (enough to fill pan to 1 inch)
cinnamon and sugar to taste
powdered PCP to taste

(1) Heat oil until it is very hot. (2) With a doughnut cutter, cut biscuits and drop in the hot oil. Flip as they brown—if the oil's hot it'll only take a minute. (3) Place the doughnuts on paper towels to absorb excess oil. (4) Coat with PCP until you feel there is enough to drive you into an unholy rage of epic proportions.