Pretty Much Any Event in Ancient Greece (c. 1000 B.C.-146 B.C.)—Those Greek dudes made a lot of contributions to society—like getting drunk a lot! Bacchanalian orgies were the order of the day, according to scholar Christopher Xenopoulos Janus, who asserts that "Most any excuse could be used to party; a birth, marriage, or death, the arrival or departure of a loved one from abroad, a feast day, or merely a change in seasons. Actually in most cases, however, no purpose was required." FUCK YEAH, DUDE! NO PURPOSE REQUIRED! Mr. Janus also notes that, "As Plato advises us, though the Greeks just loved to party, the drinking and entertainment, the symposium basically had a serious purpose. The purpose was serious conversation." Whatever, Plato! 'Cause there were also "hetairai" at these lameass-sounding symposiums—and "hetairai" is Ancient Greekese for "sweet-ass prostitutes"! I ask you, Mr. Janus: What kind of lameass symposium has sweet-ass prostitutes present? AN AWESOME ONE! Yeah! PARTY!
Author's Note—No parties occurred between 146 B.C. and 1773 A.D., unless you count "The First Christmas." Yet while that event had some party-esque elements—gifts, hallucinations, a smokin' hot virgin—it has since been decided that the whole thing was totally gay, and therefore not a real PARTY!
The Boston Tea Party (December 16, 1773)—Yeah! Ain't nothin' more rockin' than REV-O-LU-TION, baby! And dressing up like Indians! And dumping tea into Boston Harbor! Party animal/tea-dumpin' ringleader Samuel Adams proved (History's a bit murky on this, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Adams also invented beer—RIGHT ON, Sammy A.!) there's no better way to start an independent nation than sticking it to fancy-pants tea importers who bypass the Colonial Tax—like those assholes from the British East India Company! What a bunch of fucking squares! PARTY!
Bavarian Beer Riots (May 1-5, 1844)—You know who else was a fucking square? Yeah, you're right—King Ludwig the First of Bavaria! Dude put a tax on beer! A TAX! On BEER! DUDE! You just don't do that! And it's a good thing that the ever-rockin', ever-drinkin' Bavarians felt that way too—they started a five-day PARTY that involved beating up police officers (fucking squares!) and, presumably, getting shitfaced. King Ludwig eventually admitted he was wrong—and did one better by reducing the price of beer by 10 percent to quell the hard-rockin' violence! HELL YEAHS! King Ludwig the First of Bavaria, we need more kings like thee! PARTY!
The Donner Party (December 1846)—Dudes, when you try to cross the Rocky Mountains, it's probably not a good idea to do so in the middle of the fucking winter. Feet of snow and freezing temperatures can really harsh your buzz. Luckily, the members of the Donner Party were so devoted to rockin' it that they didn't even let little things like "running out of food" or "freezing to death" stop them from having a great time—they ate their dead brahs to keep on going! That's perseverance, dude. Really makes you think, doesn't it? PARTY!
House Party 2: The Pajama Jam (Released October 23, 1991)—Legendary partiers Kid 'n' Play PARTY, 1991-style! Bring on the flat-tops! Bring on the Hammer Pants! Bring on the giant clocks worn as necklaces! Bring on the kickin' jams from Tony! Toni! Tone! and Wreckx-n-Effect! Bring on Martin Lawrence, Queen Latifah, and some guy named "Bow-Legged Lou"! Did YOUR last party have a guy named "Bow-Legged Lou"? Snap, didn't think so! PARTY!
Los Angeles Riots (April 29-May 4, 1992)—In a stunning and revelatory period in America's history, a brutal aftermath followed the public release of a videotape depicting African American Rodney King getting viciously beaten by white Los Angeles police officers. The tape incited violence and racial tension amongst the denizens of Los Angeles, California, and it all boiled down to PARTYING! Getting drunk! Looting stores! Tipping over cars! Lighting fires! Yeah! This party got so damn rockin' that the National Guard had to come in to stop it! (What a bunch of fucking squares!) Now that's what I call... a PARTY!
My Seventh Grade Birthday Party (March 11, 1993)—First we played basketball out in front of my house, which was totally awesome! Then we had cake (chocolate, with chocolate frosting—YOU KNOW IT!), and then we opened presents! I totally got a Nerf Turbo football—the most rockin' football EVER! (Thanks, Chad!) Then we prank-called some girls and played Super Nintendo! Then everybody's moms came and picked them up! Yeah! PAR-TAY!