FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS I've tried to find Pride offerings that weren't entirely focused on getting wasted and laid for this top 10 list. Those efforts stemmed from a belief that Pride is about more than just partying and hooking up with strangers, and it might be an opportunity for us to reconnect with our LGBTQ roots as a community, come together around our shared history, and honor the people who have fought so hard to get us to this place where at least some of us are happy, healthy, loved, and celebrated.
This year, I give up.
Some of these picks will get you wasted, some will get you laid, and some will be a glorious, corporate-sponsored spectacle of the messy, glittery, disco-infused glue that apparently holds our community together.
If you are looking to come to a deeper understanding of your history as a queer person during Pride this year, I suggest you stay at home and read a book.
What's gayer than hundreds of shirtless, muscle-bound gym bunnies dancing under laser lights until the sun comes up? You'll probably regret everything that happens if you go, but I'm pretty sure that's the point. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, Sat June 13, 10 pm, $20-60
9. MRS. "Pride Queen"
For those of you who love playing dress-up, MRS. is your opportunity to become someone else—or, perhaps, your true self. Hosted by Pepper Pepper, this party bills itself as a celebration of queer nightlife, queens of all genders and non-genders, and body positivity. If that's your thing, go get your sparkly, drunken, costume party inclusivity on. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, Sat June 13, 10 pm, $5
8. Free Bleed
One part Pacific Northwest queer talent showcase, one part dance party, and all parts hot sticky fun, Free Bleed promises an "anti-racist, body-positive, sex-positive, queer-as-fuck freaky radical" experience, which strives "to create an environment of respect, celebration, and fun." Hosted by Magic Mouth frontman Chanticleer Tru, this party features local hiphop mess Bomb Ass Pussy and everyone's favorite DJ, Chelsea Starr. Oh, and you can have your fortune read by Coco Paradise while you stuff a sandwich into your facehole. What more do you want? Vendetta, 4306 N Williams, Fri June 12, 9 pm, $10
7. Beehive Bonanza
Portland's LGBTQ radio station, Wild Planet Radio, kicks off Pride weekend with a hair-themed fundraiser featuring your favorite drag queens, drinks, hors d'oeuvres, DJs, and free swag. Get some. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Thurs June 11, 6:30 pm, $10-15
6. Bridge2Destiny Presents: "Club Destiny"
Bridge Club and Destiny have partnered to "curate a special series of queer futurism in art and music," and are launching this new party scene on Pride weekend. There will be DJs, drag queens, and visuals to meet all of your raver damage needs, and Shaun J. Wright of Hercules and Love Affair will be playing alongside hometown hero Natasha Kmeto. White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8th, Sat June 13, 10 pm, $10 ($8 before 10 pm)
Touted as "Portland Pride's largest event," Portland Monthly's benefit for New Avenues for Youth is bringing you three giant geodesic domes, themed cocktails, graffiti artists, fire performers, celebrity DJs, and more. I have no idea what kind of trouble you can get into inside a giant geodesic dome—but it sounds promising. The main draw: DJ Spinderella from Salt-N-Pepa is going to be there, so you probably should be, too. The Redd, 831 SE Salmon, Thurs June 11, 7 pm, $15
4. Bearracuda Pride 2015
Get big-boy filthy in the ultimate sea of hairy, sweaty, horny gay bears. You'll get woofed at, growled at, and probably dipped in honey before the night is through. This is the party your mother warned you about. Branx, 320 SE 2nd, Fri June 12, 10 pm, $7 ($5 before 10 pm)
Five years around the sun and Queerlandia is burning brighter than ever. Where else can you dance, make out, fall in love with a drag clown, and support your local queer community through arts, crafts, jewelry, and pottery? If it sounds gay, that's cuz IT IS. Proceeds benefit LGBTQ domestic violence services at Bradley Angle. Embers, 110 NW Broadway, Thurs June 11, 9 pm, $5
2. Blow Pony "Queer Mutiny"
This year Blow Pony Pride features Hi Fashion, Mykki Blanco, and an array of extreme faggotry they are keeping secret until the night of. If you don't already know what this party is about, then you probably shouldn't go. For the rest of you, buckle up: It's gonna be a wild ride. Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, Sat June 13, 9 pm, $10
1. Lumbertwink "Plaid Patio Pride"
Break out your plaid short shorts for Lumbertwink's first ever all-day Pride party, featuring DJ Matt Consola, a lumberjack-themed photo booth by Wayne Bund Photography, and hearty Funhouse grub all the live-long day. Portland woodsmen abound. Need I say more? Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, Sun June 14, 3 pm, $6 in plaid, $10 without
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