WE ALL HAVE CELEBRITIES on our gift lists. We shop for them, design fan-sites, mail off presents. Do they write back? No. Do they send autographed photos? No. Do they return calls, letters, eat the pies we've baked them? NO.

Don't give up. Maybe you just haven't found the right gift yet. That gift that says, "Hey, I'm not dangerous, I'm just enthusiastic." This holiday season, show your favorite newsmaker how much you care, by sending him or her one of the following thoughtful, very special keepsakes. Guaranteed to make any celebrity your best friend.

Ralph Nader

Looking for a little something for perennial Green Party candidate Ralph Nader? Buying a gift for a consumer advocate can be dicey. You don't want to be the one who ends up with egg on your face when your thoughtful gift of Firestone tires goes unappreciated. Stay away from oil stock, Corvairs, and animals carved from old growth wood. Instead consider a gift befitting a man who cares deeply about America--a square inch of one of the original 13 colonies, complete with a beautiful Deed of Land Certificate. The Deed comes with a map showing the exact location of the property. A few billion inches, and he could own Virginia! Now that's grass roots politics.

Available at: www.inchofamerica.com
Price: $19.95 plus S&H

Billy Bob and Angelina
This kooky couple from outer space is bound to have raked in the wedding gifts--blenders, French presses, stomach pumps. Be different. Consider a gift of cosmic proportions. Consider a meteor. The meteorite market sells hundreds of specimens of varying shapes and sizes, but we recommend the Sikhote-Alin Iron meteorites from Russia. A 29.9 gram chunk can be had for a mere $35. Billy Bob and Angelina will think of you whenever they look at this cosmic collectible and long after as they slowly waste away from radiation poisoning.

Available at: www.alaska.net/~meteor
Price: Varies

Katherine Harris
Florida's secretary of state is at the center of a maelstrom of political turmoil and legal bellyaching. You could go the easy route and get her a makeover or a bodyguard. But why not go the extra mile and get her something she'll really thank you for: Her FBI file. You can bet a hotty like Katherine has got some skeletons in her sorority closet, and she'll want to know what's out there before The Miami Herald does. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, you can request a copy of her file delivered to your door. Of course you can't misrepresent yourself as Ms. Harris. That would be illegal. But we won't tell.

Write to: FBI , Chief FOIA & Privacy Act Section, 6296 JEH Building, 935 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, D.C., 20535
Price: Free, though there may be copying cost

Dan Rather
What do you get everyone's favorite newsman? It's been a rough few weeks for CBS's resident old coot. This is the man who not only prematurely predicted the outcome of the presidential race, but said--and we quote--"Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red, press it in a book, put it in an album, hang it on the wall: George W. Bush is the next President of the United States." Photostat it? For Dan Rather, a Ouija Board. And better luck next time.

Available at: Finnegan's Toys & Gifts, 922 SW Yamhill
Price: $20.00

Pat Buchanan
As any friend of Pat knows, much of his orneriness, cantankerousness, and intolerance is rooted in his deep loneliness and tortured romanticism. Sure he loved those bath towels you bought him last year, but this Hanukkah, why not give Pat the gift that keeps on giving: A "Real Doll." These anatomically correct life-like ladies make the perfect conservative wife. Far more realistic than plastic blow-up dolls, the Real Dolls promise companionship as well as anal penetration. We recommend the plucky Leah model for naughty, naughty Pat.

Available at:
www.realdoll.com (over 18 only!)
Price: $5749.00 and worth every penny

Bill Clinton
The lame duck president is soon going to have a lot of time on his hands, and that means that he'll have time to pursue his pet passion: barbecue. And what makes barbecue more fun that a Talking Spatula? Designed to put kick-back into indoor and outdoor cooking, the spatula's blade and shaft are made of stainless steel to ensure an easy to clean and long-lasting product. Phrases, include: "Mmmm smells real juicy, now we're cooking!" and "Well hello honey, how about toasting your buns!" Batteries included.

Available at: www.wonderfullywhacky.com
Price: $16.95