Why hello, derby dames and dudes. It's time for another rousing roundup of roller derby action this weekend. There's going to be a three-alarm fire tonight at the Hangar at Oaks Park, when our all-star ladies in black and purple take on the Texecutioners of Austin's Texas Rollergirls (ooooh, they have pretty pictures—and hey, there's Babe Ruthless, whose name Ellen Page snagged for Whip It). This is a big bout, guys. Back in 2003, these ladies started the reemergence of awesomeness that is roller derby, so it's going to be fun watching our gals give this O.G. team a beatdown. Those Texans are going to have to reconcile their everything-is-bigger mentality with their low, low score when the Wheels of Justice knock their 10-gallon helmets around a bit. Goes down tonight at the Hangar (8 pm, $14). Get your tickets here. Can't make it? Live stream here.

Tomorrow night sees two Rose City Rollers teams battle it out, with the cold-as-steel Heartless Heathers vs. the Axle Roses of the Guns N Rollers. This is basically a battle for third place as the Guns N Rollers have been going through a losing stretch—a lot of their players are pretty green, but they're rapidly improving. Plus GNR has a secret weapon tucked into their pink leopard-print spandex, and her name is Scald Eagle. Tomorrow night at the Hangar (Sat, 6 pm, $14-20, tickets here).

BTW my parents loved roller derby when I dragged them to the Hangar last weekend for the squeaker of a bout between the Break Neck Betties and the victorious High Rollers. For the record, my mom did not call anyone "a little fucker." Apparently I misheard her. She would very much like you to know this information.