Subject: Rockette Gazette, 1/13/17

Welcome to this week’s “Rockette Gazette,” all the news that’s fit to email!

First off, as your Lead Dancer, I’d like to thank you for agreeing to perform at Trump’s inauguration. I know this decision was hard for many of us (I’m enjoying a little glass of wine as I write this to soften the blow, in fact), but as my grandmother used to say about experiences very much like this, “Just close your eyes and think of England, dear.” I’ve never been to England, so I just thought of Duran Duran, and that actually worked super well.

As you know, we’ve had some understandable trouble finding Rockettes of color willing to sign up for the inauguration gig. We TOTALLY get why, ladies, but now we have a pretty big “optics” problem. A long row of white women in precise lockstep saluting Mr. Trump is going to read a little “1936 Berlin,” I think. Jennifer P. suggested a bunch of us get spray tans to try to take the whiteness down a notch, but I don’t think performing in “orange face” will help with national healing. Other thoughts? Send them along!

As for the performance itself, I thought I’d include some reminders and tips so we don’t have any Rockette Regrets™ after the fact! (Sorry! I think that’s the Pinot Grigio talking!)

I know a lot of us have been crying through shows since we found out the news. Karyn has discovered Max Factor 2000-Calorie Extreme Lash Plumper Waterproof is an absolute must-have for sobbing through a performance. We’re buying these in bulk. (Great find, Kar!)

Many of you have expressed concerns about exposing your nethers during high kicks near Mr. Trump. I’m worried, too! That’s why we’re flying our legs at half-mast this show. Thanks to Claire for this idea! She’s also suggested a plan for dressing room safety: If anyone sees the President-Elect approaching, you make the “Ku-koo! Ku-koo!” sound of a Minnesota Warbler and all clothed Rockettes will report to the door to cross our arms and glare. This worked beautifully at Miss Universe ’08.

Some of you have been looking for a subtle way to protest. Hayley’s mom’s church group has offered to embroider “Fuck you, Tiny Hands” into the crotch of our Danskins. Let me know if you want to order a pair. They’re $7.99.

Lastly, I know we have a strict drug and alcohol policy in the Rockettes organization, but for this one performance, I’m saying: get loaded. Alcohol, weed, cocaine, meth, LSD—whatever you need to get through this fresh hell in tap shoes, do it. (Turns out I maybe drank a lot of wine just to get through this email.) Sure, we’ll lose some of our signature precision, but what better way to usher in this dumpster fire of a president than with a certifiable shitshow?

I am so drunk rn, you guys.

Yours in an assload of sequins,


P.S. James Dolan just said we were " diverse as we can make the Rockettes while still holding up the standards of quality." WE WORK FOR SATAN.