M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Republican Candidates
FROM: GOP HQ
SUBJECT: Self-defense
techniques

It has been brought to our attention that some of you are being vigorously pursued by members of the mainstream media (aka “The enemy of the American people,” “fake news,” and “among the most dishonest human beings on earth”).

This is vital: They may ask you about the AHCA. When doing so, they may put a recording device near your face.

THIS IS AN ACT OF VIOLENCE. If they are allowed to ask you a question and you are forced to answer it, it will be super duper bad because the AHCA, as we all know, is hella bad legislation. If we’re honest, it’s as if Mr. Burns, Gordon Gekko, and Scrooge McDuck spent a weekend in Palm Beach trying to figure out a way to make poor people die faster.

But that’s not the point. The point is, journalists are bad hombres, and the violence of their iPhones needs to be met with the violence of your hands and feet and knees and elbows.

How can you accomplish this? Here are some high-risk scenarios and self-defense techniques to counteract them.

SCENARIO 1:

You are in a room awaiting an interview with one “journalist” when another one enters the room and places his recording device near your face. He asks you a question. You say you’ll discuss later. He presses on.

DEFENSE TECHNIQUE:

GRAB HIM BY THE NECK, BODY SLAM HIM, AND BEGIN PUNCHING HIM WHILE YELLING STUFF. This will interrupt his train of thought and he’ll move on to another question.


SCENARIO 2:

You are at a campaign event at a state fair eating an elephant ear. A “reporter” approaches you while checking his email on his iPhone.

DEFENSE TECHNIQUE:

KNEE TO THE BALLS, WRIST TWIST TO ENABLE PHONE RELEASE, DROP PHONE IN BOILING ELEPHANT EAR OIL. You can’t be too careful.


SCENARIO 3:

You are at a press conference surrounded by bad hombres. Some are holding microphones. Others have smartphones.

DEFENSE TECHNIQUE:

RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND. Get into your black SUV that looks exactly like the villain’s SUV in every spy movie. Roll up the windows. When “reporters” try to ask you questions, point to your ears and say, “I can’t hear you.” Shrug. Start the car and back away. if you hit a “reporter,” reverse direction and make sure to finish him off. The GOP will defend you.


In closing, watch your back at all times. As Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) said on Thursday, “The left has precipitated this tense, confrontational approach throughout the country in recent months.”

He’s right. These confrontational “writers,” with their “laptops” and “pens” and “glasses” will stop at nothing to get us to talk about policies that, let’s be honest, were not written to bear any real scrutiny.

Good luck defending the indefensible, and let’s be careful out there.