Allison Kerek


Washington, DC—House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) issued the following statement in response to President Donald Trump’s luring of victims into his van, murdering them with a Montblanc Meisterstück fountain pen, and disposing of the bodies in the Potomac over the past five months:

“It appears that the President has been doing some things that some people don’t agree with. I’m not going to speculate on any of this, and I’m not going to worry about things that I have no control over, but I will say this: The President is new at this. He’s new to government, so he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationship between a President and his constituency.

Is it okay to talk to them? Sure. Is it okay to stand with them in a casual dining establishment and “get folksy?” Absolutely. Is it okay to follow them from said establishment, pull up next to them as they’re walking home, lure them into a plastic-lined Chevy van, stab them repeatedly, then wrap them in plastic and dump the body into the Potomac? Probably not, but I’ve been doing this a long time, so I’m more educated about the little-known regulations that are hidden in whatever arcane documents live in the dust-laden halls of Congress. He’s just new to this. The American people need to give him a chance.

Additionally, I certainly don’t want to engage in “victim-blaming,” but I understand one of the victims was a jogger wearing a reflective vest and multiple LED safety lights. And as an avid athlete myself, I know that you simply cannot call that sort of attention to yourself at night without risking being lured into a van and brutally murdered with a pen.

I would add that the left has been saying for months that the President “isn’t getting anything done” during his tenure, and I would just like to point out how rigorous and tenacious a successful serial killer has to be, so if, hypothetically, he were to be committing these murders, I would hope that the congressmen on the other side of the aisle would give him a little bit of credit for being so prolific.

As for whether I still have confidence in the president’s ability to do his job, I’d like to remind you all that John Wayne Gacy managed a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and David Berkowitz (AKA “Son of Sam”) worked proudly for the US Postal Service as a letter sorter. Many proud Americans hold more than one job to support their families, so of course I have faith the President can continue doing a fine job in the Oval Office.

Thank you for your time, and I have no further comments, aside from asking all Washington, DC residents to consider a nice evening in tonight. I understand the new season of Orange is the New Black is available. Thank you.”