What goes better with a steak than boobs? Not much. If you're going treat your mouth to a big slab of juicy meat, might as well treat your eyes to a pair of breasts and beaver shot--and while you're at it, why not give your anxiety disorder a healthy dose of liquor? Eating steak at a titty bar provides more excitement than the Clark County fair, and if you're lucky, you won't even throw up. Unless, of course, the steak is gross, and then you might. So save yourself a case of the squirts and consult the Mercury's guide to Portland's steak peddling nudie bars. KATIE SHIMER

Acropolis Steak House
8325 SE McLoughlin, 231-9611

As a rule, I swore I'd never eat at strip clubs. It just didn't make sense why they should even be allowed to have a kitchen. But when I was introduced to the Acropolis, and their brilliant four-dollar steak, I had to break my rule. At first I fought it, but after a few pitchers I warmed up. I didn't, however, finally turn the corner until I saw people getting take-out. Goddamn, that Acropolis steak is good. It comes with two different kinds of zingy secret sauce (not that I need any secrets from a strip-club kitchen... ), a giant piece of garlic toast, and choice of baked potato, fries, or salad bar. I prefer the salad bar, not so much for the pre-packaged salad and canned fruits, but for the experience. I figure, if you're going to break a rule, might as well go all the way. ANDREW TONRY

Stars Cabaret and Steak House
4570 SW Lombard, 646-5998

While I wouldn't go to Beaverton specifically for Stars Cabaret, I'd certainly choose it over the kid-friendly Hooters across the street. Stars delivers, but it'll cost you. After the cover charge, the relentless strobe lights will send you straight for an (overpriced) drink. The strippers present a refreshing variety of dance moves, hair colors, and cup sizes, and four stages means there are no bad seats in the house. The service was slow, (maybe because our waitress had to navigate around the lap dances), and the apparent lack of alcohol in our drinks didn't help the wait. Neither did the DJ's repeated insistence, directed at our table, that he "likes the girls who like the girls." However, the steak, while expensive, was thick and juicy, and made for a delicious meal along with the slightly peppery fries. ALISON HALLETT

(Note: The Safari Club strip club at 3000 SE Powell is under the same ownership as Stars, has similar steaks, plus fish tanks filled with piranhas.)

Sassy's Bar & Grill
927 SE Morrison, 231-1606

Dear Sassy's: As a ravenous heterosexual and carnivore, I was overjoyed at the prospect of eating steak while scrutinizing a beautiful lady. It was my first time in a strip club; it was the middle of the day. All your strippers had arrived with their boyfriends and were showing off their newest, most inventive pussy tricks. I have to say they looked to be enjoying themselves and that allowed me to enjoy them. The service was smilingly servile, but your sirloin steak looked like scrambled shit with peppercorns. I felt nauseous all day long. Eight dollars seems a steep price for steel wool with a side of fries and a handful of iceberg lettuce. I wish this puny paragraph could become a brick through your window, but you don't have any windows. I used to love the meat of cows and women, but after eating your joke of meat I've become a flaming vegetarian and a homosexual. EVAN JAMES

5021 SE Powell, 772-2907

Even though I think I'm hardcore, I have a hard time with strip clubs--especially eating at them--because I can't handle the maniacal staring on the part of the strippers. I feel weird and uncomfortable pretending I'm all horny, especially when I'm shoving big hunks of meat into my fat face, and some Paris Hilton hottie is making googly eyes at my boyfriend. Anyhow, I overcame this fear and chowed down a steak at DV8, under the watchful eye of pussy-slappin' stripper Asia. The steak was better than I expected, although more chunks of meat than one solid cut of beef. The baked potato was baked rather than microwaved, and the iceberg lettuce salad was fresh and ripped from the head. In fact, I can't complain about DV8's food one bit, especially since the tidy little price of eight bucks gave me plenty of money to tip Asia. KS