The exact cause of hangovers remains elusive. Dehydration, blood acid levels, and impurities in last night's drink(s) are all possible culprits in making you feel like a swollen hemorrhoid on a camel's ass. And unfortunately, there is no real cure--"hair of the dog," coffee, cold showers, and any other remedies you've heard about are a bunch of horseshit cooked up by drunks desperate to trick their brains into thinking they feel less crappy than they really do.

Simply put, your body HAS to rid itself of the poison, via whatever orifice it deems necessary, and no amount of V8 Juice or greasy Cup N' Saucer brunch is going to change that fact. Don't despair, though--there is one thing you can do: speed up the process. How? By accelerating your body's blood flow and excrement system. By getting off your fat, drunken ass and doing a little exercise for once.

No matter how bad you feel, you will feel better after exercising. Depending on how fucked up you are, this could be one of the hardest ordeals you've ever endured, but even something easy like a walk around the neighborhood can help--be strong and face the pain; it won't kill you and it WILL make you stronger. For a real pick-me-up you'll need to break a sweat. A steady jog or bike ride (longer than 10 minutes please!) will work wonders, while an intensely competitive pursuit like basketball or tennis will produce endorphins that the body and mind eat up like candy--not even cocaine can top it. If you feel like throwing up, great, do it--you'll feel even better (vomit produced naturally is always more productive than forced purging); just don't exercise at a gym or other indoor venue, for obvious reasons. Here're five easy steps to a one-two hangover knockout:

1.) Drink a huge glass of water

2.) Exercise--embrace vomiting, but don't force it

3.) Drink another huge glass of water

4.) Take a nap

5.) Wake up when your body has to piss so bad it hurts--you'll feel like a million bucks.