Your mama never made no cookies like these, biznatch! Okay, maybe she did, but these cookies are good too, and come on, you can't always rely on mommy to bake for you when your wittle tum-tum is hung-gwee. Sometimes you just have to buy your own cookies, sissy! And having read that extremely agro intro to a story about cookies, here are the cookies you should buy. Pussy.

Baker & Spice

6330 SW Capitol Hwy, 244-7573

I ventured deep into SW Portland to find this bakery, a cozy nook stuffed into a strip mall alongside a Wild Oats, and was rewarded for my effortful excavating. The chocolate crinkle cookie I ate was excellent, with a moist, almost fudge-like consistency, and dusted with a healthy dose of powdered sugar. It was so good I tried another one, the chocolate chip, which was small but dense, packed with gobs of the sweet, brown stuff. Both cookies followed in the trail of Baker & Spice's roasted turkey sandwich with rosemary onion jam (!!), fontina cheese, and Dijon mayonnaise—undoubtedly one of the best sandwiches I've had in months. JUSTIN W. SANDERS

Cougar Mountain's "Fremont Bridge"

Available at many grocery stores

I used to scoff at store-bought cookies, thinking them inferior to wholesome, home-baked cookies loaded with love and butter. As it turns out, in the cookie world, there are "gourmet" store-boughts that are also loaded with love and butter. Cougar Mountain produces such a cookie, and while many people swear by the classic chocolate chip, my love is the chocolate peanut butter oatmeal. This cookie is delicious, its body a luscious, brown sugary arena suitable for showcasing the delicious chocolate chunks that casually intermingle with the peanut buttery goodness. LANCE CHESS

Daily Grind

4026 SE Hawthorne, 233-5521

The first time I tried one of Daily Grind's dinner-plate-sized vegan high-protein cookies, it was after having eaten a pretty sizable lunch. I almost died. These completely vegan powerhouses are packed with almond, cashew, coconut, pecan, and sunflower nutmeats, and have lots of cocoa-y sweet carob chips scattered throughout. Truly a meal unto themselves, this local treat would be at home on a dainty plate next to a roaring fireplace or pulled from a backpack in front of a roaring campfire. Either way, if you precede this monster with a meal, do make it a light one. LC

Grand Central

Five locations; grandcentralbakery.com for details

Hey, I loves me some Grand Central lovin'. Just the thought of their basil egg-salad sandwich on calamata olive bread makes my tongue float in a wash of drool. And pretty much every pastry/sandwich/salad they do is great... except the damn cookies. The chocolate chip and peanut butter varieties (normally my two favorite flavors) have too many damn nuts (walnut in the chocolate chip; peanut in the... never mind), and don't balance things out with chewiness. A cookie both nutty AND crunchy is a flawed cookie, I don't care how much butter and love and good ingredients you pack it with; I'd just as soon eat Chips Ahoy. Fortunately, Grand Central has plenty of other desserts to satiate your sweet tooth, like some of the best pies in the city, and a macaroon that'll knock your teeth out (literally—sugar's bad for you!) JWS

Newman-O's

Available at many grocery stores

Either you love Oreos or you don't. I'm a lover, but also a vegetarian, and therefore was devastated when I first learned Oreo used lard in their crème filling. (Booooo!) In seeking solace, I discovered the blessed Newman-O. They are an organic, wheat-free and dairy-free Oreo doppelganger whose manufacturers have donated millions of dollars to charity while making sure the "little guys" behind the cookie (African cocoa growers) are treated with decency. (Yayyyyy!) Needless to say, it's quite easy to dig into these chocolaty-delicious cookies without the slightest pang of Oreo guilt. Filled with all-organic ingredients, they are a little crunchier than Oreos and tout the rich dichotomy of a chocolate sandwich with an irresistible crème center. Dunk 'em in soy milk or crumble 'em over vanilla Nice Dream, and your progressive cookie-eating experience will be complete. LC