Blogger Jeff Bezos
Blogger Jeff Bezos EMILY DRISCOLL

Jeff Bezos started a blog! The bookstore billionaire published a rather incredible post today at Medium dot com, alleging that American Media Inc., the parent company of the National Enquirer, attempted to extort him into ending a Washington Post investigation into how the tabloid acquired intimate texts between Bezos and his lover Lauren Sanchez, which they published last month.

“Of course I don’t want personal photos published, but I also won’t participate in their well-known practice of blackmail, political favors, political attacks, and corruption,” Bezos wrote in his post. “I prefer to stand up, roll this log over and see what crawls out.”

What is crawling out is fucking wild. There are multiple peckers involved, and in emails sent from AMI's Chief Content Officer Dylan Howard to Bezos, Howard threatens to publish:

· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.

· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.

· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.

· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.

· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.

· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.

Howard ends his email by saying, "It would give no editor pleasure to send this email. I hope common sense can prevail — and quickly."

As our own dear leader expounded upon at length on his podcast, Bezos is a grown ass man going through a divorce. His sexts, and his dick pics, are not in the public interest. However, AMI's relationship with Donald Trump is in the national interest, and as Bezos points out in his post, AMI "recently entered into an immunity deal with the Department of Justice related to their role in the so-called 'Catch and Kill' process on behalf of President Trump and his election campaign." This, of course, refers to the $150,000 AMI reportedly paid Karen McDougal to cover up the story of her alleged affair with one Donald J. Trump.

This whole story, as Bezos would put it, is complexifying my brain. Stay tuned for updates.