Hello, Mercury friends/lovers/bitter enemies!
It's your old pal/college roommate Wm. Steven Humphrey here, editor-in-chief of the Mercury and occasional annoying gadfly to the wealthy elite of Portland.
Just wanted to drop in real quick and talk about a subject near and dear to our hearts... TIPS! Specifically, two types of tips: The type of tips in which you know of something "alarming!" or "cool!" and you let us know about 'em; and the type of tips you give to hard-workin' service industry professionals—waitasecond, that includes us!
TIP TYPE 1: We love your hot tips! As crafty as we are, it's impossible for our tireless, small staff of reporters to be everywhere at once and dig up all the info needed to make sure YOU are informed to the max. That's why we need your tips.
• Got a tip or potential story that somehow relates to city hall, cops, labor woes, or the homeless crisis? Then tip off News Editor Alex Zielinski at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.
• Got a tip or potential story about environmental stuff, transportation, public health, or breaking news? Then tippity-tip News Reporter Isabella Garcia at firstname.lastname@example.org or, once again, email@example.com.
• OR, OR, OR if you have a tip about anything arts, performance, or food related that deserves the eyes of Portland upon it, then tip-tip-tippity-tip Arts & Culture Editor Suzette Smith at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. If you have an event you want to slam into our calendar, slam it over to firstname.lastname@example.org.
• AND if you have a scorching hot tip, but can't decide WHO to send it to... send it to me Wm. Steven Humphrey at email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org, and I'll get it to the right person. I also happily accept tips about how we can improve, rando questions about the Merc, and (if you're mad at me) what objects I can stick up inside my bottom.
TIP TYPE 2: Do you like getting important news, funny stuff, and the best got-damn calendar in Portland... all for FREE? It's pretty damn great, isn't it? Another question: Name one business that gives you all the excellent things they produce at ZERO cost to you? (I mean, besides us, smarty butt.) Yeah... I can't think of one either. That's why it's the right thing to do to support the Mercury by giving us an occasional (preferably monthly) tip for all the excellent investigative reporting and culture stories we provide every damn day. No joke: It's really expensive to run our type of business, and sadly, advertising alone no longer cuts the mustard. Seriously, a $5 tip from you per month (the cost of a cup of coffee) can super-charge our reporting and keep us focused on what's important: Top-notch journalism, and alerting you to all the fun stuff that happens around town. (Oh, and occasionally pissing off the wealthy control freaks of Portland. SO FUN.) Thank you so much for considering it, we adore ya! ❤️
And so ends today's symposium, "HOT TIPS ON TWO TYPES OF TIPS!" As always, thanks for all the love, support, and occasional fist-shakes you've given us over the past, very challenging years. Rest assured we're looking out for you—as well as the often-overlooked people of Portland—every single day. Oh, and one final tip: Don't microwave pizza—but if you must, put a glass of water in there to keep it from getting spongey. LOOK, YOU LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY!
Yer always pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury Editor-in-Chief