VALENTINES DAY IS NOT A REAL HOLIDAY. But the horror that awaits your Google image search? TOO REAL.
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  • VALENTINE'S DAY IS NOT A REAL HOLIDAY. But the horror that awaits your Google image search? TOO REAL.

While it's common knowledge that Valentine's Day is not a real holiday and is an instrument of the patriarchy, it's the one time of the year we can enjoy* the dark humor and unmitigated horror of vintage valentines. Oh, you've never spent an hour in a thrift store sifting through a weird array of cupids and crazy-looking animals declaring their affection via dad jokes?

Now's the time!

This Flickr stockpile is tremendous, featuring a surprising number of gun-wielding baby animals. I am not joking. It's legitimately terrifying.

This one is creepy enough to be tagged with "Jian Ghomeshi."

Elsewhere, this one is certainly less creepy, but the abject despair in the text is something else:

Vintage_Valentine_02.JPG
  • Chordboard via Wikimedia Commons

HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?

*"Enjoy" is perhaps too strong a word. "Gawk at in discomfort without being able to look away" is maybe more what I'm driving at here.

More after the jump.

No wonder you're mail gets dropped off at the wrong house. A baby angel delivers it.

Cupido_sittende_pa___veske_med_kj__rlighetsbrev__1912__12429057065_.jpg
  • National Library of Norway via Wikimedia Commons

Eek!

So anyway, happy Valentine's Day.