Demonlover dir. Assayas Opens Fri Oct 31 Cinema 21 Demonlover opens with a drugging and ends with torture. The drugging comes courtesy of a spiked Evian. The torture, a car battery and a metal bed frame. In between these bookends there is murder, kidnapping, porn, more murder, and a dash of rape. All of which […]
Bradley Steinbacher
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Toons, Toons…
…;And More Toons
The Animation Show dir. Various Opens Fri Sept 26 Cinema 21 The Animation Show is being billed like this: “Finally! An Animation Festival with the Artists Themselves at the Helm!” Who is “at the helm” here? Two giants: Mike Judge, creator of King of the Hill and Beavis & Butthead, and Don Hertzfeldt, whose prank […]
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Tokyo Miracle
Sofia Coppola Breaks Your Heart
Lost in Translation dir. Coppola Opens Fri Sept 19 Various Theaters Lost in Translation is a tiny movie, as light as helium and draped upon the thinnest of plots. There is very little conflict, and even fewer twists and turns. It is as close to a miracle as you’re likely to get this year. The […]
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Eating Grass
Open Range’s Big, Grazing Heart
Open Range dir. Costner Opens Fri Aug 15 Various Theaters There are certain sentences one never expects to write. Case in point: The new Kevin Costner picture is not long enough. Am I high? That depends on just when you’re reading this, but as I write this review the answer is no–Kevin Costner’s new Western, […]
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Go Figure
The Enigmatic Northfolk
Northfolk dir. Polish Opens Fri Aug 1 Cinema 21 There is something wonderful happening in Northfork, something not easily pigeonholed. The final installment of the Polish Brothers’ indie trilogy–which began with the inspired Twin Falls, Idaho, then stumbled with the karaoke blunder Jackpot—Northfork is a challenging picture. It’s an exercise in magical realism and a […]
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Hulk Smashed
Ang Lee’s $100 Million Art Film
The Hulk dir. Ang Lee Opens Fri June 20 A Buttload of Theaters After sifting the rather barren soil of my writing skills, the best I could come up with to fully describe Ang Lee’s The Hulk is this: Holy living fuck. As in, you have no idea–absolutely no idea–just what you are in for […]
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Excite Me If You Can
Spielberg, DiCaprio, and Hanks Take a Nap
Catch Me If You Can dir. Steven Spielberg Now Playing Various Theaters Steven Spielberg has long been called the “Poet of Suburbia,” a moniker (à la Hitchcock’s “Master of Suspense”) that fits him like the snuggest of sweaters. Nearly every Spielberg film carries a whiff of the bullshit dream of cul-de-sac living–which is to say, […]
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James Bland
There Has Never Been a Good Bond Film… Discuss.
Die Another Day dir. Lee Tamahori Opens Fri Nov 22 Various TheatersNow that the 20th Bond debacle is set to unwrap itself worldwide, a shuddering yawn should be rippling through the collective moviegoing army. There is just no need for another 007 adventure–indeed, there hasn’t been a need in about 25 years–and yet, like the […]
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Hollow Ring
Simone: A Cyborg of a Satire
Simone dir. Niccol Opens Fri Aug 23 Various Theaters A film director loses his lead actress halfway through production and, desperate to finish his “masterwork,” decides to create his own actress via computer. This is the plot to Andrew Niccol’s Simone–a bland, unfortunate Hollywood satire that aims to skewer the cult of celebrity, but instead […]
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XXXtreme Disappointment
Ridiculous Plot, Ridiculous Villains
XXX dir. Rob Cohen Opens Fri Aug 9 Various Theaters Just how bad is XXX? Worse than you’ve imagined. Seriously. I would rather be catheterized by a Parkinson’s-afflicted nurse than sit through it again. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re one of those aggressively dunderheaded individuals who thinks that motorcycle jumps, explosions, and motorcycle jumps […]
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What’s Perdition?
It’s a Really Good Movie
The Road to Perdition dir. Sam Mendes Opens Fri July 12 Various Theaters Patience is a lost virtue, at least in regards to le cinema American. And while I’m certainly not the first hack to bemoan Hollywood’s rapid cut obsession, it is my theory (absolutely unconfirmable, due to a lack of hard evidence) that this […]
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Utmost Famous
Tom Cruise Shakes My Hand, I Inexplicably Lose My Shit
This article is supposed to be a puff piece for the new flick Minority Report, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Cruise. Why a puff piece? Because Señors Steve and Tom were pimping the film at a press junket, and protocol dictates that flowery words of praise and awe must follow said junket. But […]