Since it’s hard to know where to start in this thing, let’s just begin with how many more erections the New York Times says Seattle Police Officer Robert Brown has been getting at night ever since he switched his bike seat to a “no-nose saddle.” (From The Times: “During his sleep, when [Officer Brown] wore a monitor, the measure known as ‘percent of time erect’ increased to 28 percent from 18 percent.)

Awesome.

Also: Congratulations, Officer Brown! Now, let us proceed swiftly to reproductive physiologist Steven Schrader, who would like more cyclists to follow the example of Officer Brown because, as he tells the Times:

There’s as much penis inside the body as outside… When you sit on a regular bike saddle, you’re sitting on your penis.

Well. I, for one, did not know until I read this article that “as much penis inside the body as outside” is something that happens to a guy at every moment of his life.

Amazing. Very special. World changing, really. And it only gets better. There’s the biothesiometer (“a device in which the men set their penis into a trough, and it slowly starts to vibrate”). The Rigiscan (“a machine the men wear at night that grabs the penis about every 15 seconds to see if it’s erect”). The scientific study known as “Cutting Off the Nose to Save the Penis.” The fact that 60 percent of women cyclists are afflicted with “genital pain, numbness and tingling” too.

Basically, if you trust The Times and have genitals and a bike seat, you really need to read this thing.

Eli Sanders is The Stranger's associate editor. His book, "While the City Slept," was a finalist for the Washington State Book Award and the Dayton Literary Peace Prize. He once did this and once won this,...

10 replies on “1,300 Words About a Bike Cop’s Penis (And the Number of Erections He Has at Night, and Why Maybe You Should Get a New Bike Seat)”

  6. Movie Trivia: Unlike Bike Cop, Boat Cop’s penis extends inwards nearly four times as far as it does outwards.

    Further note: The outward portion is still twice as large as yours.

    Solve for wiener.

  7. “The Rigiscan (“a machine the men wear at night that grabs the penis about every 15 seconds to see if it’s erect”).”

    Interestingly enough, I find that if my wife grabs my penis every 15 seconds, I will be erect 100% of the time.

  9. Yes, interesting, Dave J., and I also find that if your wife grabs my penis every 15 seconds… (sorry, obvious joke is obvious).

    “There’s as much penis inside…as outside…” I suppose this proves, if nothing else, that women who orgasm during heterosexual intercourse are always going off half-cocked.

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