Screen_Shot_2018-02-02_at_4.13.59_PM.png

Portland has spoken and—SURPRISE!—it doesn't want change.

The city's Office of Neighborhood Involvement (ONI) earlier this month had a simple request. ONI's thinking of changing its name to something not so redolent of the neighborhood association system, and it wants citizens to help.

So the bureau created an online survey, accepting your best suggestions from early January until January 24. The office, controlled by Commissioner Chloe Eudaly, has since posted a sanitized version of the results on its website, but it left plenty out.

Sure, ONI was happy to tout anodyne suggestions like "Center for Civic Imagination" and "Office of Neighborhood Vitality" but a record request for the full survey results show that ONI isn't considering lots of spicier options.

What's so wrong, for instance, with: "Portland: Cha Cha Cha"? Or "Office of Beyoncé Involvement"? Or the elegantly reductionist: "Nimbys, Yimbys, and Free Pizza Once a Month"?

All great suggestions from you, the people. All left on the cutting room floor as ONI presses on toward a new identity.

One thing about that new identity: Lots of people don't want it. More than 13 percent of the 163 completed surveys suggests ONI remain as it is. One merely read "Dont." Another said "stop wasting time and money on a name change." And others just suggested "Office of Neighborhood Involvement."

Predictably, lots of people typed in things like "ONI McONIFace" and "Eudaly McEudaly Face." One contingent—or one very bored person—seemed to favor riffs on "Chloe's Council of Clowns." Those are out, too.

Some used the survey to make comments about ONI's changing role. One suggested the office be named "Program dumping ground"—presumably because of the many disparate projects (like recreational pot enforcement and campaign finance) that have found their way to the bureau over the years. Someone else just wanted it called "Kitty cats on Unicorns." Neither will be considered.

Oh, ONI's only too happy to entertain the idea for a "Portland Office of Community (POC)." It's not having any part of a "Portland Office of Progressives (POOP)."

Anyway, here's the whole list [PDF].