I apologize for being the bearer of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news… but there might be Donald Trump dick pics out there and if Stormy Daniels prevails in court… we all might “get to” see them. WaPo:
Days before the 2016 election, Daniels agreed to remain silent about the alleged encounter in exchange for a $130,000 payment arranged by Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen, according to a court filing. But in recent weeks, her story started leaking out. Last week, Cohen obtained a temporary restraining order from an arbitration judge barring Daniels from talking about the deal, according to people familiar with the matter. In response, Daniels sued the president, alleging that Trump and Cohen had tried to force her into silence with an invalid “hush agreement.”
Daniels is arguing that since Trump failed to sign the agreement that his lawyer Cohen hashed out—and paid out, Cohen claims, without Trump’s knowledge (yeah, right, sure))—she isn’t bound by it and can speak freely about the affair. An affair that didn’t just generate scandal, marital strife, and terrifying mental images. Like all modern romances, Trump and Daniels’ affair left a digital trail.
Stormy Daniels [has asked] a court to declare the “hush agreement” between her and Donald Trump and his lawyer, Michael Cohen, to be null and void. But this rather sterile description doesn’t do justice to what is contained in the filing – which includes the original “hush agreement” itself and another related document. Suffice it to say, it focuses not so much on Stormy Daniels staying mum about a sexual relationship with Donald Trump but on “certain still images and/or text messages which were authored by or relate to” Donald Trump. Let’s put this baldly: Stormy appears to be saying she’s got or had sexts and maybe even “dick pics” from President Trump.
Josh Marshal goes on to analyze Daniels’ legal claims—Trump never signed the agreement; the agreement barred all parties from publicly acknowledging the existence of the agreement, so Cohen’s public comments about the agreement has rendered it void—and then returns the possible existence of presidential dick pics:
I have no expertise to judge whether these are strong legal claims. The extra-legal argument is, I think, the key one. That is, Daniels is saying out loud for everyone one to hear: not only did I have sex with President Trump but I had compromising text messages and “certain still images” that Trump went to herculean lengths to keep secret. To use the vernacular, she’s pretty clearly suggesting she had “dick pics” from Trump or something very much like it.
Presidential dick pics are an inevitability—sooner or later, we’re going to see one. And it won’t be the last one we ever see. Young people (and old people) routinely swap dirty texts and dirty pics and some of the young people out there right now swapping sexts and dick/tit/ass/pussy pics with their lovers (best practices!) or with strangers (not okay!) will grow up to be president. And some of the people our future presidents are swapping dirty sexts and pics with today could are going to be bitter exes by the time the oath of office is administered… and, um, yeah. One day we’re going to see the First Junk. And that first presidential dick pic (or pussy pic!) is going to be a huge scandal. It’s inevitable.
Just as nearly everybody smokes pot at some point in their lives, nearly everybody sexts and swaps dirty pics. Thirty years ago a single photograph of someone smoking a joint had the power to derail a Supreme Court nomination. It took us twenty years to go from “I smoked, but I didn’t inhale” to “Yes, I inhaled—that was the point.” Similarly, the first presidential dick pic—or major nominee dick pic—could end a political career. But, as with pot, we know that everyone sexts and, as with pot, at some point there won’t be a point in denying it anymore. And just as we now regard a politician who claims to have never smoked pot with skepticism—they’re either lying or they’re complete social misfits—one day we will regard a major political figure who doesn’t have a few stray dick/ass/pussy/tit pics circulating online as the weirdo because, hey, everybody else does.
But to get to get to the “Yes, I inhaled!” stage (“Yeah, that’s my dick, Jake Tapper, so what?”)—to get to the point where a dirty pic, like pot use, doesn’t have the power to end someone’s political career—we’ve got to see that first presidential dick pic. And we want to get there. Because nearly everyone has swapped dirty pics and currently a single dirty pic has the power to end a career, and not just a political one. For the kids, for our kids, we don’t want dirty pics to continue to have that kind of power.
That said, dear reader, I think I speak for us all—for every man, woman and child on earth (born or unborn)—when I say that PLEASE GOD DON’T LET TRUMP’S DICK PIC BE THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DICK PIC WE SEE. We’ve endured so much since November of last year. I don’t think we could endure that.
But do you who could?
Donald J. Trump.
Our current president may be the only politician whose presidency won’t end as the result of his cock being featured in the first-ever presidential dick pic. It would just be another scandal in the forest of scandals we live in now. The only benefit to Trump’s dick being the first presidential dick we all get to see is that it could shorten the process. With the help of Fox News, congressional Republicans, and evangelical leaders, Trump could take us from “HOLY SHIT THAT THE PRESIDENT’S DICK!” to “Hey, everybody’s got a dick pic out there somewhere, right?” Sean Hannity, Paul Ryan, and Tony Perkins will do whatever he has to in order to protect Trump—including releasing their own dick pics, if that’s what it takes.
So if you have those pics, Stormy, you should release them. For the kids.
