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Im not a paranoid criminal! YOURE a paranoid criminal!
"I'm not a paranoid criminal! YOU'RE a paranoid criminal!" Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Hit me like a ray of sun, burnin' through my darkest night. You're the only one that I want, think I'm addicted to your light. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Guys! Be sure to pick up the newest issue of the Mercury hitting the streets today, because it's the last of our weekly versions until we show you our new, improved, big 'n' burly biweekly on September 13!

The chairman of Oregon's Hood to Coast race has been rightly given the boot after dissing and ignoring the top women's team during the awards ceremony.

City Council candidate Loretta Smith is suggesting (again) that cops, firefighters, and teachers move into Portland city limits by occupying abandoned "zombie" houses that have been rehabbed by the city.

Portland Police are pooh-poohing the far right conspiracy nut club's accusations that Voodoo Doughnut is running a child trafficking ring.

Florida votes for Black progressive Andrew Gillum to be their Democratic gubernatorial candidate, with Trump blind loyalist Ron DeSantis winning on the Republican side. (If he wins in November, Gillum would be Florida's first Black governor.)

In other primary news, Arizona picks a Republican Trumper to run in November (surprise!), while a surge of Black and women candidates continue to win races.


Paranoid criminal Trump is convinced that Google is purposefully hiding positive stories about him, and is looking into regulating the tech giant while issuing similarly impotent warnings to Facebook and Twitter.

Paranoid criminal Trump seems dead-set on escalating his criminality by firing Jeff Sessions, probably after the mid-term elections.

Paranoid criminal (and serial liar!) Trump hopped on Twitter to spread a conspiracy theory that China hacked Hillary Clinton's emails while she was Secretary of State.

Headline: "If G.O.P. Loses Hold on Congress, Trump Warns, Democrats Will Enact Change ‘Quickly and Violently’." (Jesus. The idiot finally said something right.)

Louis CK made a surprise appearance at a comedy club less than a year after admitting to sexual misconduct, and while some audience members were pleased, others were not.


In related news: Woody Allen announced he's taking a break from film, which absolutely has nothing to do with no one wanting to work with him, right?

Apparently actress Daryl Hannah and old-timey rocker Neil Young are engaged. Do with that information what you will.

Now let's look up at the WEATHER: A delightfully sunny day today with a high of 80.

And finally, three cheers for the contortionists of the world who make the airport a nicer place.