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This morning we followed the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford who appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee—well, some of the committee, since Republicans were too frightened of the optics of 11 white dudes grilling a sexual assault survivor—and as everyone pretty much expected, Dr. Blasey's story was heartrending, completely credible, and made the GOP senators look like monsters. (You know it's bad when even Fox News thinks it was a terrible look for Republicans.)

NOW IT'S KAVANAUGH'S TURN—and if you've come expecting a shit show, you will not be disappointed.

Brett Kavanaugh's opening remarks are pretty much exactly what Trump has been begging him for—a forceful, angry, hardline denial of Blasey's accusation. Unfortunately he is also coming off as shrill and defensive, with Kavanaugh coming very close to yelling about how unfairly he's been treated FOR TEN WHOLE DAYS (as opposed to Blasey who has lived with her trauma for 36 years).

He's calling the accusations a "calculated, orchestrated hit job" from Democrats (in short a conspiracy, not unlike the ones Trump constantly blames his problems on) and "a character assassination" that makes him "fear for the future" of America. (By the way, isn't this the kind of partisan attack that should bar him from serving on the Supreme Court?)

He's supposedly furious about being called "evil" before angrily condemning Blasey for invoking his name in her very credible accusation. Kavanaugh seems to think that just because he's never been publicly accused of sexual assault before, that's proof that he's never committed it.

In an attempt to clear his name, he once again invokes his calendar, choking up when remembering his dad's mad "calendar skills." (This comes off as wholly performative, and this sham of a hearing is already INSANE.) He also claims that it's IMPOSSIBLE that he would've partied before he and his disappeared pal Mark Judge went to work, although that's clearly at odds with what he wrote in his own memoir. (The fact checking of this speech is gonna be FUN.)

It's also IMPOSSIBLE that he could've sexually assaulted anyone in high school because he was a virgin at that time... even if true, being unable to finish a sexual assault doesn't make it any less of a sexual assault.

And now? He's crying again. Note: It's totally okay for men to cry, and we shouldn't be crapping on Kavanaugh for that... but this is more of a near melt-down. At the end of his remarks he thanks Trump (because of course he does!), and once again proclaims his innocence. He sounds a lot like someone who knows they are about to be kicked off a reality show—he is not here to make friends.

QUESTION & ANSWER TIME
Kavanaugh is off to a rough start when questioning begins—painting a very different figure from the blustering, emotionally unstable rant he just delivered. The nominee is stammering, unsure of himself, although still very defensive, and... OH NO HE DIDN'T JUST INTERRUPT AND SPEAK LOUDLY OVER SEN. FEINSTEIN.

Prosecutor Rachel Mitchell asks questions based on Blasey's particular accusations—including if Kavanaugh "ground his genitals" on her—all of which are answered in the negative. He goes into further explanation of his much vaunted calendar which was supposedly exhaustive... except for the laundry list of things he didn't put on it. So... yeah.

We also learn that the nominee loves beer—in fact he loves it so much he invokes the word beer about a billion times. So yeah... HE REALLY, REALLY LOVES BEER! But does he drink it to the point of blacking out? Ohhhh, nooooooo.

Kavanaugh asks for break, and so do I. BRB.

After Kavenaugh's return from his (beer?) break, he is questioned by Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy, who wonders why Mark Judge isn't there (because he should have been)—and KAVENAUGH LOSES IT! He blurts out that Judge's sworn statement should be enough (it isn't), and then tries to make Judge's past comments inadmissible because of his drinking problem. Lahey also asks Kavanaugh to defend quotes in his own memoir about his partying in high school, AND HE LOSES IT AGAIN! (Man, does this guy protest too much or what?)

Mitchell returns to her questioning, asking about a skiing trip with Judge, "Timmy," "PJ," and some pal named "Squeak"? (This sounds like a rapey Archies comic.)

Stand by for more!

BACK FROM THE BREAK
Hey all, Calendar Editor Bobby Roberts here. Steve had to duck out for a little bit, so I'm coming in off the bench, largely because Steve was in the upstairs office and had heard various profanities launching skyward from my downstairs cubicle and thought "Oh, he must be watching the same repugnant, gin-blossomed tantrum being thrown by Judge Kavanaugh—the bleating, oily, weepy explosion of crocodile tears and indignant peevishness at this unconscionable challenge to his undeserved, unearned privilege—that I am!"

Guess what, I was!

So he's gone to eat and drink something, because it's highly likely he (like myself) has lost something like five pounds today via his knotted stomach converting bodily mass into pure acid over the course of this hearing, and that needs to be counteracted.

And while I don't begrudge him his need to stay healthy, I do begrudge him his timing, because that means I took the wheel just as the questioning became an insane and disgusting display on the part of Republican senators who only just now rediscovered their voice and have excused prosecutor Mitchell so that they can grandstand freely about how the real victims here are good, fine, upstanding white men who love beer.

(The brain-bending absurdity of Kavanaugh repeatedly—repeatedly!—falling back on "I love beer" like some sort of jowly Brick Tamland would be laugh-out-loud hilarious were it not for the knowledge this entire hearing is poisoned, misogynist pageantry as prelude to a predetermined result)

Before Senator Lindsay Graham decided to play "can you top this" with Kavanaugh's histrionics, Senator Dick Durbin had painted Kavanaugh into a neat little corner by citing Kavanaugh's previously stated desire to do whatever it took to clear this up, and then prompted Kavanaugh to turn to White House counsel Don McGahn and ask him to suspend the hearing so that a proper FBI investigation could get underway.

Kavanaugh, of course, balked at the opportunity to actually do the bare minimum towards "clearing this up," and like clockwork, Senator Grassley jumped in to play fullback, blocking for Kavanaugh loudly and stopping just short of physically crossing the floor to remove Kavanaugh from the petard he'd been hoisted upon.

DID YOU KNOW: The number of times today that a white man has prefaced a rambling interruption designed to obfuscate any attempt to discern truth by first stating "I hate to interrupt" is somewhere north of 10? Maybe 12? 12 is also the number of beers in a half-rack, which may or may not be "too many beers," not that Kavanaugh (who has never blacked out from drinking too much) would be able to judge that number without the assistance of a blood alcohol chart.

The increasingly red-faced and combative Kavanaugh would not be the star of this round, not if Lindsay Graham had anything to say about it, and holy shit did this utterly-compromised-in-every-fucking-imaginable-way ambulatory colostomy bag have something to say about it. Like an attic fan turned on full blast in a barn, pure horseshit began to aspirate from his gawping maw.

If you'd been watching the perverse halftime shows going on between sessions, you could probably have guessed this was coming. Graham had been quoted in the hallways responding to assault victims with "I'm sorry. Tell the cops," and openly suggested that if Kavanaugh's past indiscretions prevented him from joining the Supreme Court, Republicans would lodge false assault allegations towards Democratic nominees in retaliation.

But Graham exceeded (or fell short by abyssal depths, depending on your POV) expectations by gesticulating wildly and more or less revival tent preaching to the 35% of the country that still chooses to fall for this insipid "white men are the real victims" narrative, and called this hearing "the most despicable thing I have ever seen in politics."

QUICK REMINDER: Senator McConnell, with the support of Senator Graham, never held a single hearing for President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland—which was (and is) an unprecedented act of governmental obstruction.

Before comparing Kavanaugh (for what is at least the second, if not the third) time to Bill Cosby (?!?) he asked if he was a gang-rapist (Kavanaugh said no, managing to hold back the triumphant smirk that was edging around his cheeks the entire time Graham was flailing around in his chair like a leathery moopet) and warned any/all super-rich white men watching that they had better watch out if the Democrats get their way, echoing Kavanaugh's opening statement suggesting his denial to the Supreme Court would open the doors for everyone who loves beer to be accused of sexual assault.

Senator Whitehouse's questions seemed designed to get Kavanaugh to define some of the terms he used in his yearbook and calendar, at which point Kavanaugh employed a combination of protestations and lies. Senator Klobuchar tried to undercut him by sharing her own story of how alcohol abuse affected her family, which unfortunately seemed to Kavanaugh to be a challenge, and her time was ended with Kavanaugh not only evading her questions about his history of alcohol abuse, but his asking her, pointedly, repeatedly, if she had ever blacked out.

Senator Cornyn tried to bring up Stormy Daniels, derisively and dismissively, invoking her name as if she and her lawyer weren't key to Michael Cohen's implication of Trump in federal (treasonous) crimes. He then tried to compare the Democratic line of questioning to McCarthyism, and Grassley jumped in at the end of his monotonous harangue (Kavanaugh somehow managed to interrupt Cornyn even though Cornyn was carrying water for him, but I'm certain he hated to do it every time) tried cutting off further questions regarding why Kavanaugh can't admit he doesn't want an FBI investigation by quoting Joe Biden during the Anita Hill hearings, said the matter was closed, and gaveled us to a new break.

God, I hope Steve gets back before Hatch starts talking.

BACK FROM THE BREAK (again)

Steve did not get back before Hatch started talking.

I apologize if these entries are somewhat disjointed and free-floating. It's really hard to listen to Kavanaugh & Friends engaging in this coordinated act of gaslighting, and I keep sort of... disassociating? I'm not sure if that's the proper term but every now and again my brain just sorta locks up in a confused and stunned place, where I can't quite comprehend how this rancid dinner theater is still going on.

(Prosecutor Mitchell's definitely been excused from her duties as a convenient shield for these scared 60-year-old boys to hide behind now that they don't have to cast aspersions upon Ford, who was an amazingly credible witness to her own marginalization by repugnant, privileged people who look, sound, and behave just like these aged adolescents do, and always have done.)

So anyway, this unctuous Keebler elf from Utah begins by blanket absolving Kavanaugh for his high school indiscretions under the "Boys Will be Boys" Act of 1951, before chuckling his way through another reading of Biden's statements during the Hill hearing.

Grassley continues to run interference for Kavanaugh's inability to directly answer Democratic questions, letting him interrupt at will and steamroll any pointed questions until time is up. He only seems calm and even minutely judicial when leaning back in his chair as Senators Lee and Sasse attempt their own sniveling imitations of grandiosity (Sasse went so far as to let his voice waver before frustratedly slapping his microphone away, ceding his misused time).

Senator Blumenthal attempted, once again, to get back to the outright lies Kavanaugh told about his yearbook (Devil's Triangle is not a drinking game. Boofing is not farting) by bringing up the "Renata Alumnae" entry, forcing Kavanaugh to directly address the lie in his opening statement that it was an in-joke intended to pay homage and praise to the classmate, and not a mocking joke at her expense. Kavanaugh gladly took this opportunity to turn the gaslights up so bright you could have sworn Pennywise itself was piping them in from a sewer in Derry, Maine. You never saw him as upset and impassioned in his defense of this poor woman's maligned honor at the mere suggestion someone (not him, of course) might have joked about using her as a sexual object to be disrespected thoroughly afterwards.

That is, you never saw him that impassioned if you hadn't been watching his consistently rude, unprofessional, and frankly unstable performance at this hearing up until that point. But here's the thing; even if you'd only just tuned in at that moment, whatever pride you might have had would have immediately began eroding as the shrill, overheated rhetoric of both he and his pocketed Senators (did I mention the part where Lindsay Graham used Justice Elena Kagan's name as a cape to toss around Kavanaugh's shoulders?) kept monotonously pealing into your ears.

Before Grassley gaveled us into break (where the fuck are you, Steve) it became very clear (like it hadn't been all day) that despite whatever glimmer of hope you might have had that Ford's personal sacrifice for the sake of our country might lead to the prevention of Kavanaugh's repugnant ass taking Justice Kennedy's seat, the reality is much more likely that Kavanaugh's churlish defiance will push Republicans towards his nigh-inevitable confirmation, because they all recognize his guilt. They recognize it in themselves, in their friends, and in their frat brothers. They see it, know it for what it is, admire, and appreciate it. And the few of them who don't are too chickenshit to put country before party, having practiced the smothering of that impulse to do the right thing for decades now.

They're firm believers in the sunken cost fallacy, and they've behaved traitorously for personal and political gain, and if they don't admit this attempted rapist to the highest court in the land, they will have played this decades-long game for almost nothing, and that's unacceptable. So they'll refuse to accept it, they'll put this man on the bench, he'll overturn Roe v. Wade, he'll obstruct any criminal investigation or charges of our demented slumlord of a president, and we'll have to hope this naked assault on over half our population's sovereignty will be enough to increase midterm turnout to something close to like... 40%? (fuck I'm wishing for 40% turnout in 2018 and that still feels optimistic) that hopefully ensures the mild "blue wave" needed to turn the House and Senate back to Democratic control so impeachments and investigations can be carried out in earnest.

HI EVERYBODY, STEVE IS BACK! And I owe Bobby a billion hamburgers for enduring this shit show.

So anyway, North Carolina's Thom Tillis just popped in to apologize on behalf of all men for all the terrible questions Democrats and women are asking. He is a garbage person, and didn't ask a single question. MOVE ALONG, A-HOLE.

Sen. Cory Booker is up to bat, and asks if Kavanaugh wishes Dr. Blasey had never come forward, and if he really believed she was conspiring with Democrats. Kavanaugh blunders around, and unsurprisingly refuses to answer the question.

OH NO IT'S TED CRUZ. Here comes another "thank you" for avoiding any question about credible sexual assault allegations. ASK A FREAKING QUESTION, DOOR KNOB! However, this is a good opportunity to note that Beto O'Rourke is super hot.

While the senators are arguing amongst each other, here's something important to remember:


YAY, KAMALA HARRIS IS UP, and she's immediately on his ass about not taking a polygraph test. Then she follows with a hard right hook ("Why haven't you asked for an FBI investigation?). Surprise! He refuses to answer. That's followed by an uppercut in which Harris asks how Gorsuch got confirmed and yet Kavanaugh somehow thinks there's still a conspiracy? Doesn't answer. And here comes the haymaker: Did you listen to Ford's testimony this morning? HE DID NOT. BOOM, out go the lights!

Jeff Flake is next and basically says, "Guys... why can't we all get along?" Shut up, Jeff.

Sen. John Kennedy (not the dead one) asks if Kavanaugh—IN FRONT OF GOD, MIND YOU—assaulted that woman, or any of the other women that have credibly accused him. Kavanaugh says no, and swears to god on that fact. Welp, that's all Kennedy needed to hear! Because after all, God didn't immediately strike him down, so obviously he is NOT GUILTY. (Sheesh.)

AND THANK GOD, WE'RE FINALLY DONE! Stand by for a quick recap after I guzzle a bottle of bourbon.

THE LAST WORD
Wow, that was hard. None of the senators really deviated from their preconceived paths, which means we'll have to wait another excruciating 12 hours to see if the Kavanaugh vote is going to happen (it probably will) and if the main Republican wobblers (Murkowski, Flake, Gardner, Collins, Corker) wobble any further. As a final thought, I'd just like to remind everyone that while we watched some of the most awful men in the world make the world a lot more awful today, an incredibly brave woman stepped forward and told her truth. We heard her, and we still hear her. And while these terrible men may continue vomiting up their lies, I'm going to focus on remembering that it's women like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford who are going to save us. And the rest of us should do everything we can to help. Listen to women's stories. Take them seriously. And then act on it.