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Sure, I lied to protect Trump. Whaddaya gonna do? Investigate me? Wait.
"Sure, I lied to protect Trump. Whaddaya gonna do? Investigate me? Wait." Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Baby, when you finally get to love somebody—guess what? It's gonna be MAY. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Knowing bullshit when he hears it, Robert Mueller reportedly sent a letter to William Barr saying the AG mischaracterized what the special prosecutor said in his report adding that Barr had sown "public confusion," thereby allowing Trump to claim vindication. READ MUELLER'S LETTER HERE. Barr is currently testifying this morning in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee about the Mueller Report, in which he'll spin even more lies to protect the president. Who knows if he'll be questioned by Congress on Thursday, because he's terrified of testifying in front of staff lawyers. Meanwhile, expect Mueller to spill his guts to Congress sometime this month.

In the meantime, Trump keeps threatening lawsuits in hopes of blocking Democrats from issuing subpoenas that would force his lackeys to testify, which is reviving renewed talk about impeachment.

In somewhat more positive news, a federal judge has given Democrats the okay to continue investigating suspicions that Trump has been accepting gifts and/or payments to his private business in clear violation of the Constitution.

Trump's ridiculously misogynist pick to fill an opening on the Federal Reserve Board, Stephen Moore, is quickly losing support from the already misogynist GOP.

Though he still faces charges in America, Wikileaks founder and Russian collaborator Julian Assange has been sentenced to 50 weeks in British prison for jumping bail and hiding out in the Ecuadorian embassy seven years ago.

It happened again, just like it always happens again: A student with a handgun walked into a classroom at the University of North Carolina yesterday and opened fire, killing two and injuring four others. The suspect is in custody, and police have been unclear if there was a motive.

Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaidó called for the military to oust President Nicolás Maduro yesterday which led to riots and violence. Expect more of the same today, as Maduro is instructing his followers to take to the streets.

Today in WHAAAT THAAA FAAAAACK?: A court has ruled that if she wants to keep competing at an Olympic level, track star Caster Semenya must take testosterone-suppressing hormones.

In an attempt to wallpaper over their privacy scandals, Facebook is rolling out a new redesign which focuses more on private conversations and group chats.

Even though Netflix was clearly warned that this may be a consequence, their film 13 Reasons Why is almost certainly responsible for a sudden spike in teen suicides.

IN LOCAL NEWS: For once, powerful business interests aren't standing in the way of funding Oregon public school education and a plan to raise $2 billion through business taxes is making its way to the House floor today for a vote.

PSU is working with PBOT to close a block of traffic on its campus—and they may make it permanent. Our Blair Stenvick has the details.

Local lushes, prepare to weep: The much beloved Tonic Lounge on Sandy says it will close at the end of summer. Read more from our Ned Lannamann.

Now let's look skyward to the WEATHER: Another gorgeous, sunny day with a high of 68!

And finally, look: I'm not advising anybody to attempt escaping from the cops, but you know… it's always good to have options.