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I'm a happily married man. I've been with my partner for eight years and we've had a "DADT" open relationship since the beginning. We're sexually compatible, each of us has our own kinks, we're both GGG, and I've never actually played the open relationship card. Recently I started chatting with a guy online who shares some of my kinky interests and I really like the idea of fooling around with someone whose brain is kink-wired like mine. My question is, if the intention is just to chat and maybe hook up at some point, should I disclose to this guy that I'm married? I feel a little weird about potentially deceiving him if he thinks I'm single—and I don't know why he'd assume otherwise at this point—but at the same time if we're keeping everything casual and I'm up front about what I'm looking for—just a casual hookup, nothing more—is it even necessary to bring it up? I think I'd enjoy seeing this guy (and if I flatter myself, I think he'd enjoy seeing me) and I don't want to turn him off at the outset or end something that could be really fun before it even starts. What are my obligations in this situation?

Dudes And Dick Tricks

That depends, DADT.

Did you connect with this guy on a dating app? Then your marital status is relevant and needs to be disclosed because people on dating apps are presumed to be single and available for, you know, dating. Now some people on dating apps aren't single, of course, and some people who are single and on dating apps aren't looking for relationships. But most people are—so when you meet someone on a dating app, it's reasonable to assume they're down to date. If someone isn't, DADT, courtesy and decency requires them to make that clear before they waste too much of someone else's time.

But if you connected with this guy on a hookup/kink app or via his kinky Twitter account, DADT, you aren't obligated to disclose your marital status. Indeed, telling someone you've only chatted with about kink and/or a casual hookup—telling them unprompted you're not available for anything more than worshipping their feet/being their rubber doll drone/whatever your shared kink might be—can make you seem... well, it can make you seem a little dense, a little conceited, and a little unclear on the whole "casual" concept. And being unclear on the casual concept can make you look like a bad prospect for casual sex—even if that's all you're available for (because you're married) and that's all the other person wants from you (because they're not interested in marrying you or they're already married to someone else).

So wait for the prompt—which could be verbal or non-verbal. If he asks you a direct question about your availability (before, during, or after your first hookup), then you should of course tell him about your husband. But if he seems to be crushing on you after repeated kinky hookups—if you even begin to suspect that he might be hoping these hookups lead to something more—then you should tell him you're married.

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