Your last two columns and your last two podcasts were all about the pandemic. Everything everywhere is all about the pandemic right now. Can you give it a rest? For maybe a week? Could you answer some questions that arenāt about pandemic? Any fun kink questions come in this week? I could all use a break from the pandemic, Dan, and Iām not alone.
Columnistās Oeuvre Vividly Instills Dread
Some kink questions did come in this week, COVID, and Iām happy to answer them. But the pandemic does come up in the second one, which you should feel free to skip.
I have a kink/fetish thatās been giving me a lot of anxiety over the last few years. I inadvertently discovered that Iām turned on by big bellies, weight gain, and stuffing. Itās actually been there since I was a little kid, though I didnāt understand it until now. If itās relevant, Iām a female in my mid-20s, in a heterosexual monogamous relationship.Ā My problem is that I have a lot of trouble getting off without looking at pictures or at least thinking about my kink. I believe the common guidance is, āIf itās not hurting anyone, itās fine.ā But I feel super gross and ashamed. Neither my partner nor myself is large and we both value our health and fitness. I have absolutely no desire to participate in this activity with a real person. Every time I finish masturbating, I feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Some part of my brain obviously craves the kink, but the rest of my brain HATES it. I keep telling myself I will stop, but I have such a hard time getting off with other porn (or without porn) that I always return to it. I genuinely enjoy having vanilla sex with my partner. I feel turned on and I have fun. But Iām often not I able to come. It sometimes makes him think he isnāt doing a good job, when in reality heās doing great and Iām just frustrated with my body. So I guess Iām wondering: Does continuing to watch belly porn reinforce the kink in my brain? Should I stop watching it and force myself to find other ways to come? Should I somehow find a way to embrace the kink instead?
Big Belly Woes
Six years ago I roped Dr. Jesse Bering, author of Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us, into answering a question from a dad who was worried about his teenage sonās sexual interest in PokĆ©mon. (Yes, PokĆ©mon.) Dad wanted to know if there was anything could done about his sonās āpatheticā sexual obsession. Bering explained that his kidās kinksāthat everyoneās kinksāare hardwired. "Nobody knows why some people are more prone to developing unusual patterns of attraction than others,ā Bering said. āBut whether it's a penchant for PokĆ©mon, feet, underwear, or spiders, the best available evidence suggests that some peopleāmostly malesāhave a genetic predisposition for being 'sexually imprinted' during development."
And once our erotic imaginations have seized on something, once weāve imprinted on PokĆ©mon characters or big bellies or wrestling singlets, thereās not much we can do about it. Before weāre adultsābefore we hit pubertyāour kinks, as Bering put it, are āpretty much fixed, like it or not.ā
For all we know the teenage boy with the PokĆ©mon fetish was completely comfortable with his own niche sexual interests. The dad wrote in, after all, not the kid. (But if youāre a 23-year-old PokĆ©mon fetishist and your dad routinely invaded your privacy when you were a teenager and heaped shame you about your kinks, please write in with an update!) But I have heard from people who, like you, werenāt comfortable with their own kinks, BBW, and desperately wanted to know what could be done. Most sex scientist and researchers agree with Bering: thereās really nothing you can do and masturbating to the porn that turns you on doesnāt āreinforceā your kinks. You canāt starve out your kinks by refusing to think (or wank) about them, BBW, and you canāt pray your kinks away anymore than I could pray my gay away. Embracing your kinks and exploring them with other consenting adultsāor if your kinks canāt be realized for ethical reasons, enjoy them through solo or partnered fantasy play onlyāis the only realistic option.
That said, some doctors have prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), aka anti-depressants, to people who were uncomfortable with their kinks. Those drugs donāt selectively eradicate kinks, BBW, they crater a personās libido. Taking SSRIs would mean sacrificing the vanilla sex you enjoy with your partner on the same altar with the kink that stress you out. I canāt imagine you want to go down either of this route, BBW, which brings us back to embracing your kink and coming clean with your partner.
The risk you run telling a partner about your kink is no doubt the forefront of your mind, BBW, because the consequences could be immediate, i.e. he might dump you. But not telling your partner about your kinkāand leaving him to wonder why you canāt get off with him but have no trouble getting off aloneāisnāt risk free either. If he feels inadequate, if he feels like youāre hiding something from him, if he feels like he canāt satisfy youā¦ he might dump you.
So share your kink with your boyfriend, BBW, and kinks should always be presented as crazy and endearingāand potentially really funāquirks, not as tragedies. You have a thing for big bellies, BBW, you donāt have leukemia. And you can explore your kinks without gaining weight or stuffing your partner until he does. A little big belly dirty talk could help you get off with your partner, BBW, and even the fittest person can push their tummy out and create the illusion of a rounded belly. Have fun!
My boyfriend and I live in San Francisco where weāve been sheltering in place. We are unfortunatelyĀ unable to shelter together, which means that we cannot have physicalĀ contact, especially since he lives with a parent whoās at heightened risk. (It's not an option for him to stay with me for the duration.) We're as frustrated about having to abruptly end theĀ physicalĀ aspect of our relationship as you might expect. We go for (distanced) walks during the week, we talk everyday, and we jerk off in front of webcams together but that only goes so far. I was thinking about giving him some of my worn panties for him to do whatever he wants with. My question is this: If I were to wash my hands and be cautious while putting together a pervy care package, is there much of a risk of spreading the virus around by doing this? I'm currently in good health but I know that people can be infected but asymptomatic and we're being really careful to keep both of our households as safe as possible. Can the virus be spread via pussy juice?
Very Aromatic Gift
COVID-19 hasnāt been detected in vaginal fluids, VAG, so your pussy juice by itself doesnāt constitute a threat. But the virus, which is usually transmitted through the air (by people with the virus coughing, sneezing, or even exhaling), can survive for hours or days on different kinds of surfaces, including clothes. The virus can live for up to 24 hours on cardboard, VAG, which mean itās the package, not the panties, that are potentially a danger here. If the last person who handled your care packageāthink the UPS guy who dropped it on his porchāhad COVID-19, your boyfriend could wind up exposing himself by touching the box and then his face before washing his hands. But I think you should send him that packageābut wear gloves while you pack it, donāt send it overnight (your scent will keep for a couple of days), and make sure your boyfriend immediately washes his hands after opening and discarding the package.
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Dan brings on comedian Pete Dominick to represent the muted voice of the straight white male. Also, Doc Barak is back to put your mucous fears to rest! Listen at www.savagelovecast.com