Now accepting new patients.
"Now accepting new patients." Minerva Studio / iStock / Getty Images Plus

Hello dear darlings!

First things first, HOW ARE YOU DOING? Query: Have you found a therapist yet? If so, yay and good idea! If not, UGH, me neither! Look, I get it… I, of all the people you know, really need a therapist—but I’ve been an itty-bit busy, okay? It’s hard to look for a therapist while running a struggling news site, keeping track of violent federal/local cops, stressing out about people who won’t wear their face mask correctly (stick yer nose in, dummy!), and obsessively “doom scrolling” through Twitter. On the upside? I’m drinking more water… which means, while I may die from coronavirus, kidney failure can go fuck itself.

So YEAH. I need a therapist! But until I find one, you know what makes me feel so much better and gives me life? Y-O-U! Sweet readers such as yourself have given our small staff a real boost with your kind words and recurring monthly contributions which have kept us afloat and pay for our ability to keep holding the powerful (Hi Portland Police and city leaders!) accountable.

For example, did you see our Alex Zielinski’s terrific recent Hall Monitor column about Mayor Wheeler’s tepid response to federal officers who shot a peaceful protester in the head, severely injuring him? Thanks, you paid for that story! Have you read Blair Stenvick’s continuing reporting on Titi Gulley, a homeless Black trangender woman whose body was found hanging from a tree in Rocky Butte Park in 2019 and was declared a suicide even though the family strongly disagrees? Thanks again, that’s important reporting you paid for. In fact, we have great stories that you won't read anywhere else (and every single day) thanks to Y-O-U!

But make no mistake, sweet pea: If we don’t get enough monetary help, stories like these won’t happen. And the other news organizations around town are financially stressed too, so they can’t be expected to “fill in the blanks” if we disappear.

So yes, please! Make a monthly contribution to the Mercury. It’s easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy, you’ll be supporting work that makes a real difference on a city/state level, AND we’ll be able to hire even more reporters which means I’ll get a minute to go looking for a therapist! WOOT! WOOT! (I know, I know... the end result isn't all about “me”—or is it??)

So once again, thank you for all of your support. I adore you more than you’ll ever know. Also, if you know of a good therapist that would be willing to take me on as a patient, email me here! Here are my requirements:

• Must be tolerant of my amateur “self-medication” techniques.

• Must be very “sex positive”—after a brief conversation, they’ll understand why.

• Must be prepared to deal with moods that swing from festive megalomania to self-loathing ennui.

• And must make a monthly contribution to the Portland Mercury. (Hey! Of all the businesses out there, they can afford it! And besides, DO THEY WANT TO HELP ME OR NOT?)

Support The Portland Mercury

Yer pal in continued mental health,

Wm. Steven Humphrey
Portland Mercury