Married guy here. Iâm 33, the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month but weâve been together for almost eight years. Weâve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago whereas I came to the realization only recently. Weâre both interested in new sexual encounters and this weekend we met up with a with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years⊠and we found it lacking. It was too short, and too impersonal. Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We donât want to keep spending the money if weâre not getting the experience we...
Married guy here. Iâm 33, the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month but weâve been together for almost eight years. Weâve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago whereas I came to the realization only recently. Weâre both interested in new sexual encounters and this weekend we met up with a with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years⊠and we found it lacking. It was too short, and too impersonal. Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We donât want to keep spending the money if weâre not getting the experience we want. We need to stay fairly discreet for most of these encounters due to our careers. Appreciate any input.
Basking In Confusion Over Underwhelming, Pitifully Lackluster Experience
P.S. A shoutout to my amazing wife for going from learning Iâm bi to fucking another dude with me three months later!
Some sex workers love their jobs, some donât; some sex workers are good at their jobs, some arenât. Sometimes a sex worker doesnât click with a particular client for some ephemeral, hard-to-define reason; sometimes a client gives off a bad vibeâor a bad odorâand the sex worker bails or hurries things along not because theyâre a shitty sex worker, BICOUPLE, but because their client is shitty or smells shitty.
But hereâs the thing, BICOUPLE: no sex worker can read minds. You tell me youâre wondering if you shouldâve been âmore upfront with [your] interests ahead of time.â If you left something important out when you made the booking, well, that couldâve been the problem. No sex worker likes having things sprung on them. A sex worker who doesnât do kink is going to feel very uncomfortable if thereâs a bunch of bondage gear laid out when they arrive; even a sex worker who does kink is going to feel uncomfortable if kink wasnât discussed in advance. Similarly, BICOUPLE, if you didnât explain to your sex worker that there were two of you, your sex worker mightâve felt uncomfortable when they arrived.
If you werenât clear about your wants and your sex worker didnât ask or you couldnât articulate them after he asked, you put your sex worker in the position of having to guess. And your sex worker may have guessed wrongâsome clients prefer sex thatâs athletic, impersonal, or aggressive. And if your sex worker had a bad experience with a husband who got upset when his wife seemed a little too into him, he may have erred on the side of maintaining some emotional distance even as you got physically close.
If what you wantedâif what you were most interested inâwas a more intimate and connected experience, then you werenât just expecting sexual labor from the sex worker you hired, BICOUPLE, but his emotional labor too. While affection and intimacy can certainly be faked, we donât typically expect a strong emotional connection when weâre hooking up with a stranger. Being sexually intimate can build that connection, BICOUPLE, but it can take time and a few meetings to get there. To avoid winding up in bed with another sex worker you donât click with, I would advise you to take the timeâand spend the moneyâto make a real connection. By which I mean: Go on a date. Find a sex worker youâre interested in and make a dateâfor dinner. Pay them for their time, pay for their meal, and if you click, BICOUPLE, if you feel like you could connect, book them for a sex date.
Straight male here, divorced four years ago, just entering my fifties. I recently expanded my dating app parameters to see everyone in my area. I wanted to check out the competition and possibly give myself a little ego boost. I have a gay male friend who is in his forties. Mr. Forties has a boyfriend of two years who is in his twenties. They are great togetherâthey vacation together, they quarantined together, Mr. Twenties and Mr. Forties worked on redecorating a home together, etc. The problem is I spotted Mr. Forties on several dating apps. It would have been perfectly acceptable for him to say, ânone of your business,â when I asked him why. Instead he told me they were old profiles, implying they pre-dated Mr. Twenties. He lists pets on his profiles that he adopted a few months ago. I have a sore spot about this behavior because my ex-wife started âauditioningâ my replacement before we filed divorce papers. I really donât like being lied to. What do I do? Confront Mr. Forties? Mind my own business and hope Mr. Forties doesnât crush Mr. Twenties by cheating? Help!
Fumbled Into Fraught Terrain Involving Expanded Search
Maybe Mr. Forties and Mr. Twenties have an open relationship. Maybe they have a closed relationship but both regard flirting on dating apps as harmless. Maybe Mr. Forties was charged with finding a very special guest star for a threesome. Or maybe Mr. Forties has profiles on dating apps for the exact same reason you expanded the parameters on your profiles, FIFTIES: for the ego boost.
If it was any of the aboveâif there was an innocent explanationâwhy did Mr. Forties go with, âThose were old profiles,â instead of, âWe sometimes have threesomesâ? Well, in my experience, FIFTIES, some straight people have a hard time wrapping their heads around the kind of non-monogamy practiced by most gay male couples. Hell, some closed-minded gay people have a hard time with it. I can imagine a scenario where Mr. Forties was honest with people in the past and got a bad reaction and consequently no longer feels safeâmuch less obligatedâto share the details of his sex life with straight or gay friends. So he gave you the answer a lot of straight people and some gay people prefer to hear when they ask pointed questions of partnered friends they assumed to be monogamous: âOf course Iâm not sleeping around! Those were old profiles! My monogamous boyfriend would never want me to shove my monogamous dick down his throat while some other dude non-monogamously rearranges his guts! Heavens! Weâre far too busy redecorating our lovely home to arrange threesomes! Which weâre totally not interested in having!â
Look, FIFTIES, you put a question to Mr. Forties that he wasnât obligated to answer at all, much less answer truthfully. So what do you do now? What you shouldâve done when you first stumbled over Mr. Fortiesâ dating profiles: You do nothing. You drop it. The issue you shouldnât have brought it up in the first place? You donât bring it up again. Even if Mr. Forties is auditioning replacements for Mr. Twentiesâeven if he lied to you for a selfish, self-serving reasonâitâs still none of your business.
My boyfriend and I first heard the terms âsexual monogamyâ and âsocial monogamyâ on your podcast. They describe us: not sexually monogamous, but we present that way socially and most people in our lives assume we are. Including my mother. Weâre both from very Republican families that struggled to accept us. My attitude is that if my brothers donât have to tell our parents about their kinks, I donât have to tell them about my threesomes. (Both of my older brothers have confided in me about their kinks, which I wish that hadnât.) But it got back to me via my sister that my Trump-worshipping, Obama-despising mother only accepts me and my boyfriend because we are âgoodâ gays. Good because weâre monogamous, like good straight people, and not promiscuous, like bad gay people. Now I feel like I should say something. But what?
They Really Underestimate My Proclivities
âGood people can be âpromiscuous,â Mom, and awful people can be monogamous. Take Donald Trump. That asshole has been married three times and cheated on every one of his wives. Barack Obama, whom you despise, has been married once and has never been caught cheating. Which means Obama either doesnât cheat or, like everything else heâs ever done, from being someoneâs husband to being our president, heâs better at it than Donald Trump.â
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