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Democrat Raphael Warnock defeats Loeffler and Jon Ossoff is leading Perdue in Georgias shit-hot Senate race.
Democrat Raphael Warnock defeats Loeffler and Jon Ossoff is leading Perdue in Georgia's shit-hot Senate race. Megan Varner / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Ring, ring, ring, goes the telephone. The lights are on but there's no one home. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Let's start the morning off with some good goddamn news for a change! In the hotly contested Senate runoff in Georgia, Democrat Raphael Warnock has defeated the corrupt Kelly Loeffler for one of the state's senate seats, while fellow Dem Jon Ossoff is currently 17,000 votes ahead of his gross competitor David Perdue in a race that's still too close to call. Mostly mail-in ballots are left to count, which should favor Democrats. So if Ossoff wins, DEMOCRATS WILL REGAIN CONTROL OF THE SENATE, AND MITCH McCONNELL CAN GO SUCK A BIG TURD.

• FUN FACTS! Warnock's win makes him the first Black Democrat to hold a Senate seat in a former Confederate state. Meanwhile, Ossoff (if he wins) will be the youngest newly elected Democratic senator since Joe Biden won in 1973. So what happens if there's a 50/50 split in the Senate following the runoffs? Vice President Kamala Harris will come in to break any ties LIKE THIS:

• MORE FUN FACTS! Donald Trump fucked up BIG TIME by pushing baseless election fraud theories instead of helping Loeffler and Purdue get elected. Giant turd sucker Mitch McConnell also fucked up by refusing to get on board with a $2,000 stimulus check for Americans—which hopefully will now be coming your way. But the funnest fact is that what really won this election for the Dems was years of hard, on-the-ground organizing from Stacey Abrams and others who were determined to overcome Georgia's racist voter suppression laws. Take a note, Dems! This has been today's MORE FUN FACTS!

• If you love delicious horrors, do not miss mama's boy Mike Pence as he is scheduled to oversee the electoral count in Congress today which will officially seal the deal on Joe Biden's presidential win. Trump has been reportedly pressuring Pence to use the ceremonial moment to overturn the will of the people—which (of course) doesn't work like that, but (of course) Trump is both a) desperate enough to try anything, and b) deeply stupid. What a combo!

• Some (also deeply stupid) Republican members of congress are planning to object to the electoral count today, which will be doubly embarrassing due to the wins of Warnock and (probably) Ossoff, but once again this will be the noise of a few flatulent butt trumpets and nothing more.

• Several Trump chuds were arrested last night during a protest in Washington, DC—and were very put out by the hilarious fact that the police weren't protecting them anymore! (I guess "blue lives" only mattered because they weren't Black lives.) Thousands more chuds are expected to gather today in a last, hilarious, doomed bid to keep their loser leader in power.

• Today in "There's No Reforming the Police": A Wisconsin prosecutor has refused to file criminal charges against Officer Rusten Sheskey who in August shot a Black man, Jacob Blake, seven times in the back and paralyzed him. The shooting, which was caught on video by a bystander, spurred nationwide protests—and, after this announcement, don't be surprised if there's more of the same.


• Two protests that occurred on New Year's Eve and the following day (in Portland and Salem) mark a potential turning point for both left-and-right wing demonstrators. Suzette Smith and Justin Yau were at both protests and provide a thoughtful deep dive into how the politically charged situation may be changing and what we might expect in 2021.

• Portland civil rights groups are (correctly) pissed at Mayor Wheeler's new tough-guy rules on protesting—which includes "gathering intelligence" on people practicing their First Amendment rights. Civil rights activists are claiming (again, correctly) that the mayor is failing to address the problems that caused the protests in the first place: police brutality and systemic racism.

• Former Mayor Sam Adams is reportedly being courted at for a possible role in Mayor Ted Wheeler's administration, due to Adams' prowess at navigating city hall politics—a talent Wheeler sorely lacks.


• News of interest to your uncle: "Neil Young sells 50 percent of publishing rights to his entire song catalog to investment fund."

• Rapper/producer Dr. Dre is expecting to come home soon after being admitted to the hospital for a reported brain aneurysm.

• After six years of marriage, Trump chud/formerly respected rapper Kanye West and reality star Kim Kardashian are reportedly separated. Their kids reportedly responded, "OH THANK GOD."

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• Now let's squint suspiciously upward at the WEATHER: SURPRISE! More rain today with a high of 50.

• And finally, a tweet we can all agree with.